To my Sweet Pea,
Every day I long for the day I can finally hold you in my arms. I pray for you every night before I fall asleep. "Dear Lord, I don't know where my Sweet Pea is tonight. Or if he/she has even been born yet. As long as this road feels for me, I can only imagine how each night passes for my little Sweet Pea. Waiting for their mom and dad to sweep her/him up and hold them tight. To never let them go. Give them patience and calm their hearts knowing we are here waiting to bring them home."
Your dad and I have had a hard road to get to where we are now. Many tears have been shed and many more to come. Every tear that falls and how my heart breaks missing you, I know it will be worth it...... When I watch your dad hold you, kiss you, and make you laugh. When you take your first steps and shoot your first basketball. When I can tuck you into bed and stand in your bedroom doorway for a little while watching you sleep.
I miss you everyday you aren't with us. I can't comprehend why life has to be so hard sometimes. I hope that these lessons are preparing me for when you feel like life is just too hard. I can hold your hand and tell you that God has a plan in the darkest times. That you are proof of that plan and he will never give us more than we can handle.
I love you more than I could ever put into words. I am so lucky to be your mom, whenever that may be.
I want you to be funny and confident like your father. It seems no matter how far along in life you are, there is always someone who wants to tear you down. You can be and do whatever you set your mind to. We will always be there to support you and cheer you on. Be a hard worker and don't do the bare minimum. I want you to respect others and show kindness, it goes a long way in a world where common courtesy isn't often shown. I want you to be organised and clean like me, don't worry if these things seem boring and are a last priority at first. You should have seen my first apartment! I hope I can show you all the things you want to learn and that we are the kind of parents that you want to be someday. I'm sure if your dad was writting this he would want me to add a love for basketball, Nike and a huge Jordan shoe collection. Patriot pride, and of course the Oregon Ducks. We love you and are counting down the days until we can bring you home.
Love always and Forever,
Your Mommy
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Our Adoption Begining
It all started a few months ago when I had a meeting with a co-worker who recently adopted through a private agency about an hour and a half away. The meeting to say the least, REALLY overwhelmed me. I could barely make it past the office doors before tears started rolling down my cheeks. The process seemed so long, expensive, and honestly judgmental.
Infertility has its own battle inside of me, of weather or not God wants me to be a parent, why can't I have children? Yet, all of these other seemingly unfit people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Now I need to write a bio and a "letter" showing us off as a couple and a family waiting for someone to think that we are worthy of their baby. Not to mention the price tag of 20+ grand, which at this time in our lives is an impossible number. To us 20grand is almost two years of house payments and two years of me being able to stay home full time and raise our kids instead of having them in daycare. Just to get our baby..... Overwhelmed is an understatement.
After two more failed cycles of injections and IUI. We were faced with the news that our doctor didn't think we would get pregnant without doing IVF. We are currently doing one last cycle while we have full insurance coverage just as a last ditch effort without any expectations. We decided to contact an acquaintance that we knew had fostered and adopted through DHS through the state of Oregon. We wrote down a list of questions and ended up spending 45 minutes talking to her and feeling more embraced and like that was the path that was meant for us.
We are not interested in fostering at all. Right now the hurt from all of our failed fertility attempts, I just don't think we could handle the loss that comes with fostering. You are only a temporary placement, while I think foster parents are wonderful strong people that we need in this world, right now I don't think I’m cut out to be one. We are going straight for the adoption route and while we are waiting we are going to do something called Respite care. It's a break for foster parents. If they need to leave their foster child with someone for the weekend or the day or a set amount of time, we would take them. It's like when our God-daughters stay over or our nephews. We will love and care for them, like they are our own. We also know that it's is only for a certain amount of time, which helps to keep disappointments low. Respite care is also a great way to come in contact with newborns who may eventually be put up for adoption down the line.
We called the 1-800 number the next day and asked for an informational packet in the mail. With it came the contact information for our case worker Sarah. I called her and she sent us our preliminary application and background check forms. We filled them out in a day, and had our fingerprint appointment scheduled for Monday the next business day. I think Sarah was impressed (or annoyed) at my quick response. What can I say, I’m organized and on the ball. Sarah will be sending out packets to our four references we listed to ask them preliminary questions about: Our marriage, if they think we would be good parents, and a list of other deep questions to try and get a better picture of us as people from the outside looking in.
As of right now we are waiting for our background check paperwork, and our fingerprints to come back clean. Then she will send out our second packet of paperwork. This will be our biography and essay questions. They will help her form the questions she will ask us when it comes time for our interviews and home study. We are currently on a waiting list, which Sarah told us would probably be about six months before our name's came out on top. Then we go through a three month process of interviews together, and separate, a look at our home and our environment. 18 hours of training classes. Before we can be approved. If we are we are eligible to adopt and will be given a website of all of Oregon's waiting children. If we see one we are interested in they will send our home study packet to their case worker for approval.
Sarah said all in all, it could be 1 to 3 years before we actually find a child to adopt and bring home. Right now we are doing everything we can, and prepared to be patient and know that our Child is out there somewhere.
Infertility has its own battle inside of me, of weather or not God wants me to be a parent, why can't I have children? Yet, all of these other seemingly unfit people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Now I need to write a bio and a "letter" showing us off as a couple and a family waiting for someone to think that we are worthy of their baby. Not to mention the price tag of 20+ grand, which at this time in our lives is an impossible number. To us 20grand is almost two years of house payments and two years of me being able to stay home full time and raise our kids instead of having them in daycare. Just to get our baby..... Overwhelmed is an understatement.
After two more failed cycles of injections and IUI. We were faced with the news that our doctor didn't think we would get pregnant without doing IVF. We are currently doing one last cycle while we have full insurance coverage just as a last ditch effort without any expectations. We decided to contact an acquaintance that we knew had fostered and adopted through DHS through the state of Oregon. We wrote down a list of questions and ended up spending 45 minutes talking to her and feeling more embraced and like that was the path that was meant for us.
We are not interested in fostering at all. Right now the hurt from all of our failed fertility attempts, I just don't think we could handle the loss that comes with fostering. You are only a temporary placement, while I think foster parents are wonderful strong people that we need in this world, right now I don't think I’m cut out to be one. We are going straight for the adoption route and while we are waiting we are going to do something called Respite care. It's a break for foster parents. If they need to leave their foster child with someone for the weekend or the day or a set amount of time, we would take them. It's like when our God-daughters stay over or our nephews. We will love and care for them, like they are our own. We also know that it's is only for a certain amount of time, which helps to keep disappointments low. Respite care is also a great way to come in contact with newborns who may eventually be put up for adoption down the line.
We called the 1-800 number the next day and asked for an informational packet in the mail. With it came the contact information for our case worker Sarah. I called her and she sent us our preliminary application and background check forms. We filled them out in a day, and had our fingerprint appointment scheduled for Monday the next business day. I think Sarah was impressed (or annoyed) at my quick response. What can I say, I’m organized and on the ball. Sarah will be sending out packets to our four references we listed to ask them preliminary questions about: Our marriage, if they think we would be good parents, and a list of other deep questions to try and get a better picture of us as people from the outside looking in.
As of right now we are waiting for our background check paperwork, and our fingerprints to come back clean. Then she will send out our second packet of paperwork. This will be our biography and essay questions. They will help her form the questions she will ask us when it comes time for our interviews and home study. We are currently on a waiting list, which Sarah told us would probably be about six months before our name's came out on top. Then we go through a three month process of interviews together, and separate, a look at our home and our environment. 18 hours of training classes. Before we can be approved. If we are we are eligible to adopt and will be given a website of all of Oregon's waiting children. If we see one we are interested in they will send our home study packet to their case worker for approval.
Sarah said all in all, it could be 1 to 3 years before we actually find a child to adopt and bring home. Right now we are doing everything we can, and prepared to be patient and know that our Child is out there somewhere.
Monday, November 28, 2011
2dpIUI
The rest of the Follistim cycle has been surprisingly easy and going right on track. I ended up with seven mature Follicles. EEEK! Blew my first two Follistim cycles out of the water. Dr. Chang said normally she would be VERY nervous about continuing on with a cycle producing that many mature Follies, but my first cycle I had six and I still didn't get pregnant. She ended up upping my dosage the last three days to 250IU. Which is a big injection every night. I gave myself my trigger shot of Ovidrel at 10:00pm on Thanksgiving night.
The holiday was awesome. My sensitivity to our infertility (or my infertility) is getting easier. I'm not crying all the time or even unhappy. I still make snide comments and jokes about "Empty womb syndrome". Although I did go see Breaking Dawn with my husband and my sister in law. The scenes with Bella and Edward cuddled up talking to their baby inside her, effected me in a way I didn't expect. I had a little bit of a melt down in the car after we left and Dan and I just hugged each other and talked it out like we always do.
Dan's mom thinks we are going to get pregnant now that we are moving forward with the adoption process and I have my appointment set up for my pre-op for my back surgery. I'm pretty conflicted actually. I would love to be pregnant and have our throw away/give up month be THE month. But I am hurting so much lately and I am really excited about getting my back fixed. It would be just our luck to get pregnant right after we have given up hope. I'm neutral. I don't want to go through the devastation the last couple months of trying has brought into my life if it's negative. I'm just going to assume that it won't work and be thrilled if I get surprised.
Saturday was our IUI. It went well. Just like normal. Dan's sperm count was 20 million post wash. They only need 10million to be happy with the number, so he is impressive as usual! lol. As he likes to say "The bullets, match the gun." I have never had more bloating/cramping before this month. It was so painful to wear pants and to even move. I was miserable and sick to my stomach for the aching. I bought Midol for the first time and it was a life saver!
I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am gaining weight like crazy. The injections all these months sure help to pack on the pounds. I won't even weigh myself. All I know is I'm really bloated and none of my clothes fit. I have probably put on at least 30 pounds since we started trying. I guess almost a full year straight of fertility meds will really kick your ass, plus the whole issue of low self esteem. It really doesn't help my perception of how much I like myself right now. I am eating like total crap and I hate it all. Since my back has gotten increasingly worse, I’ve totally stopped working out too. I am just looking to the bright side of things, getting my back fixed, dropping this depressing weight gain and working on myself while we wait and go through the long adoption process. I sure am good at putting these goals off though.
Starting the progesterone tonight and play the waiting game for ten more days. December 8th we will have the results and take the next step in our baby journey. Either with a positive test (not likely) or working towards adopting and getting my ass looking like it used to.
The holiday was awesome. My sensitivity to our infertility (or my infertility) is getting easier. I'm not crying all the time or even unhappy. I still make snide comments and jokes about "Empty womb syndrome". Although I did go see Breaking Dawn with my husband and my sister in law. The scenes with Bella and Edward cuddled up talking to their baby inside her, effected me in a way I didn't expect. I had a little bit of a melt down in the car after we left and Dan and I just hugged each other and talked it out like we always do.
Dan's mom thinks we are going to get pregnant now that we are moving forward with the adoption process and I have my appointment set up for my pre-op for my back surgery. I'm pretty conflicted actually. I would love to be pregnant and have our throw away/give up month be THE month. But I am hurting so much lately and I am really excited about getting my back fixed. It would be just our luck to get pregnant right after we have given up hope. I'm neutral. I don't want to go through the devastation the last couple months of trying has brought into my life if it's negative. I'm just going to assume that it won't work and be thrilled if I get surprised.
Saturday was our IUI. It went well. Just like normal. Dan's sperm count was 20 million post wash. They only need 10million to be happy with the number, so he is impressive as usual! lol. As he likes to say "The bullets, match the gun." I have never had more bloating/cramping before this month. It was so painful to wear pants and to even move. I was miserable and sick to my stomach for the aching. I bought Midol for the first time and it was a life saver!
I am having a bit of a quarter life crisis. I am gaining weight like crazy. The injections all these months sure help to pack on the pounds. I won't even weigh myself. All I know is I'm really bloated and none of my clothes fit. I have probably put on at least 30 pounds since we started trying. I guess almost a full year straight of fertility meds will really kick your ass, plus the whole issue of low self esteem. It really doesn't help my perception of how much I like myself right now. I am eating like total crap and I hate it all. Since my back has gotten increasingly worse, I’ve totally stopped working out too. I am just looking to the bright side of things, getting my back fixed, dropping this depressing weight gain and working on myself while we wait and go through the long adoption process. I sure am good at putting these goals off though.
Starting the progesterone tonight and play the waiting game for ten more days. December 8th we will have the results and take the next step in our baby journey. Either with a positive test (not likely) or working towards adopting and getting my ass looking like it used to.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Overdue update
My last post ended just after our second IUI. We left a few days after for our Honeymoon to the Caribbean. That was such a wonderful trip. It was so relaxing and gave us lots of time to spend together and talk about our future and what we are hoping for ourselves. I brought some home pregnancy tests with me and took them the last couple days of us being on the ship. All negative. My heart sank, although I was saying it might be too early I knew deep down that this month was another failure.
We docked on November 10th, 12dpIUI and also my CD28. I found a local hospital. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this part of the story. But that hospital was a nightmare. 30$ cab fare, 2 hours of incompetence later I had my blood drawn. I waited all day preparing for the bad news. Luckily I called to make sure they faxed the results. After another 45 minutes on the phone they tracked down my blood work, my order from my doctor, and the correct fax number.
My doctor called about an hour or two later. Dan and I went into the bathroom and let her talk. She basically had a heart to heart with us. She said that everything was working like it should be, and I should have been pregnant by now but I wasn't. She said she couldn't figure out anything else that she could do and it worried her that it may be something she couldn't tell just by surface tests. That she wasn't confident I would ever get pregnant without IVF. Our hearts broke. We held each other and I cried for a half hour or so. No words, just tears and support. The next five days were really hard. Especially on me, I cried a lot.
I also used my emotion to drive me into finding some positivity for us and a new plan. Since the one we have had for so long was coming to an end. I always had a feeling that it would happen, but I always prayed that I was just jaded. We decided to spend one last cycle doing injections and IUI. Not to get our hopes up, or because any of us thought it would work (our doctor included) but just as a last ditch effort. Because we felt like we have been trying so long, it would be too hard to quit before we sought it out to the very last try.
I also decided to go forward with my back surgery. I have had a bad spine injury for almost three years. I am in constant pain. By the time they figured out what was wrong, we found a specialist, and decided I needed surgery, Dan and I were already trying for a baby. We thought that I would get pregnant right away. Knowing what I know now, I should have just had it then. It's been a long time coming. After a while we just felt like we had been trying too long to give up and now that we really are at the end of line, it's time I get it taken care of. I'm really excited at the prospect of being pain free but really scared. I will most likely have metal put into my back and it's such a dangerous area to alter. I just want to be able to run and play and carry my kids. I want us to go on family hiking trips and bike rides and right now it hurts for me to ride in a car or even walk around the mall for too long.
I am currently CD9 on my cycle. I started my Follistim injections on CD2 also my first ultrasound. No cysts, good baseline numbers. I did 3 shots of 175IU. Then had an ultrasound. There were quite a few getting bigger. Mostly 7-10's. Her and I also had a long talk that this was my last cycle, and she urged us to consider doing IVF next month while we have some form of infertility coverage. We just can't come up with the 5 grand minimum right now. The sad thing is that after next month it will cost us 13grand a cycle. Which is more than impossible. I told her it just wasn't an option due to the success rate being 50%. We just can't risk the money right now. If we knew it would work, we would spend it in a heart beat. I think after that conversation she started to concentrate on my current cycle more. She upped my dosage to 200IU. Then called the next day and upped it again to 225IU wanting to be as aggressive as she could without putting me in danger. I have another Ultrasound today to see how things are going. She suspects our Insemination will be on Friday or Saturday.
Last but certainly not least. We decided to start the adoption process. We sought out our options and decided to go through DHS through the state of Oregon. We realize we won't probably be getting a newborn and that our future child will probably have been removed forcefully from their biological parents and will have been in the foster system. Also there will be a lot of challenges that come with that history. We are really excited and after lots of prayer and long talks. We hope that maybe there is a child out there now, or in the future that needs us more than we need to have our own biological child. I will start a new post on our progress with our adoption and all the feelings that come with it soon.
We docked on November 10th, 12dpIUI and also my CD28. I found a local hospital. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this part of the story. But that hospital was a nightmare. 30$ cab fare, 2 hours of incompetence later I had my blood drawn. I waited all day preparing for the bad news. Luckily I called to make sure they faxed the results. After another 45 minutes on the phone they tracked down my blood work, my order from my doctor, and the correct fax number.
My doctor called about an hour or two later. Dan and I went into the bathroom and let her talk. She basically had a heart to heart with us. She said that everything was working like it should be, and I should have been pregnant by now but I wasn't. She said she couldn't figure out anything else that she could do and it worried her that it may be something she couldn't tell just by surface tests. That she wasn't confident I would ever get pregnant without IVF. Our hearts broke. We held each other and I cried for a half hour or so. No words, just tears and support. The next five days were really hard. Especially on me, I cried a lot.
I also used my emotion to drive me into finding some positivity for us and a new plan. Since the one we have had for so long was coming to an end. I always had a feeling that it would happen, but I always prayed that I was just jaded. We decided to spend one last cycle doing injections and IUI. Not to get our hopes up, or because any of us thought it would work (our doctor included) but just as a last ditch effort. Because we felt like we have been trying so long, it would be too hard to quit before we sought it out to the very last try.
I also decided to go forward with my back surgery. I have had a bad spine injury for almost three years. I am in constant pain. By the time they figured out what was wrong, we found a specialist, and decided I needed surgery, Dan and I were already trying for a baby. We thought that I would get pregnant right away. Knowing what I know now, I should have just had it then. It's been a long time coming. After a while we just felt like we had been trying too long to give up and now that we really are at the end of line, it's time I get it taken care of. I'm really excited at the prospect of being pain free but really scared. I will most likely have metal put into my back and it's such a dangerous area to alter. I just want to be able to run and play and carry my kids. I want us to go on family hiking trips and bike rides and right now it hurts for me to ride in a car or even walk around the mall for too long.
I am currently CD9 on my cycle. I started my Follistim injections on CD2 also my first ultrasound. No cysts, good baseline numbers. I did 3 shots of 175IU. Then had an ultrasound. There were quite a few getting bigger. Mostly 7-10's. Her and I also had a long talk that this was my last cycle, and she urged us to consider doing IVF next month while we have some form of infertility coverage. We just can't come up with the 5 grand minimum right now. The sad thing is that after next month it will cost us 13grand a cycle. Which is more than impossible. I told her it just wasn't an option due to the success rate being 50%. We just can't risk the money right now. If we knew it would work, we would spend it in a heart beat. I think after that conversation she started to concentrate on my current cycle more. She upped my dosage to 200IU. Then called the next day and upped it again to 225IU wanting to be as aggressive as she could without putting me in danger. I have another Ultrasound today to see how things are going. She suspects our Insemination will be on Friday or Saturday.
Last but certainly not least. We decided to start the adoption process. We sought out our options and decided to go through DHS through the state of Oregon. We realize we won't probably be getting a newborn and that our future child will probably have been removed forcefully from their biological parents and will have been in the foster system. Also there will be a lot of challenges that come with that history. We are really excited and after lots of prayer and long talks. We hope that maybe there is a child out there now, or in the future that needs us more than we need to have our own biological child. I will start a new post on our progress with our adoption and all the feelings that come with it soon.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
CD16 IUI #2
Yesterday was our IUI! It felt like it took forever. In reality it had only been sixteen days since the start of my cycle. I think, the more frequent doctor’s visits really did a number on me. I was starting to feel like this IUI day would never come. I stayed calm and low key and everything worked out in the end. Just like it should have.
Our appointment for the IUI was at 9:45. Dan needed to be at Dr. Chang’s office by 8:15 to give his semen sample. We left Warrenton around six and got up a few minutes before 5:30am. That is the time I usually get up for work on the weekdays so I was used to it, although I really like my Saturday sleep in's. Something I will have to get used to missing after children enter the picture. Something I will gladly give up!
Our post wash semen count was 31million! Up ten million from last cycle. Go Phelps swimmers go! The IUI went well a tad more cramping during the procedure than last time, but no problems. Dr. Chang noticed I had a cold and asked what meds I was taking. She approved my Dayquil thank goodness! I also brought up the fact that I take quite a bit of Ibuprofen for back pain every day. She was unaware and wanted me to stop taking it ASAP. She said normally she would have had me stop taking it before ovulation happened. Instantly I felt like a failure. It helps me A LOT in my day to day. I have a herniated disc and it helps with my pain management. Although I knew that when I got pregnant I would have to stop taking it, if I had known it could affect getting pregnant in the first place of course I would have stopped. I started crying as soon as she left the room. Dan reassured me everything will be fine.
After the fifteen minute waiting period. I got dressed and headed out to talk to Dr. Chang for my post IUI game plan. I asked her point blank if I had ruined this cycle and if I should just give up hope now and she said no of course not. That people do lots of things and get pregnant. But since I am at a fertility clinic they take every single precaution they can and make sure that I have as good of odds as possible. She also mentioned that drinking while on our honeymoon would be at my digression. She didn't recommend having more than a few cocktails. So as of right now I am uncertain of what I will do. I don't want to hurt our chances of getting pregnant, I don't want to hurt our baby, but I also don't want to miss out on partaking on our honeymoon and our probable last vacation for a few years and get a negative result. I still have some thinking to do.
I will start taking the progesterone supplements on Monday and take them twice a day, same as last month. Until I get word from Dr. Chang to stop. I packed some home pregnancy tests and will do my BETA blood test on November 10th, at 12dpiui. Same as last cycle. We will be just getting off the boat and staying in Florida for a few days. So we will just find a lab there and get them done. I am praying for a positive!
Dan is still really certain. I am just staying neutral and glad we are getting away to enjoy some time together. 1dpiui and the countdown to the dreaded two week wait has begun! I won't have any cell or internet service so my next post will be after I return home with my results in hand.
Ciao.
Our appointment for the IUI was at 9:45. Dan needed to be at Dr. Chang’s office by 8:15 to give his semen sample. We left Warrenton around six and got up a few minutes before 5:30am. That is the time I usually get up for work on the weekdays so I was used to it, although I really like my Saturday sleep in's. Something I will have to get used to missing after children enter the picture. Something I will gladly give up!
Our post wash semen count was 31million! Up ten million from last cycle. Go Phelps swimmers go! The IUI went well a tad more cramping during the procedure than last time, but no problems. Dr. Chang noticed I had a cold and asked what meds I was taking. She approved my Dayquil thank goodness! I also brought up the fact that I take quite a bit of Ibuprofen for back pain every day. She was unaware and wanted me to stop taking it ASAP. She said normally she would have had me stop taking it before ovulation happened. Instantly I felt like a failure. It helps me A LOT in my day to day. I have a herniated disc and it helps with my pain management. Although I knew that when I got pregnant I would have to stop taking it, if I had known it could affect getting pregnant in the first place of course I would have stopped. I started crying as soon as she left the room. Dan reassured me everything will be fine.
After the fifteen minute waiting period. I got dressed and headed out to talk to Dr. Chang for my post IUI game plan. I asked her point blank if I had ruined this cycle and if I should just give up hope now and she said no of course not. That people do lots of things and get pregnant. But since I am at a fertility clinic they take every single precaution they can and make sure that I have as good of odds as possible. She also mentioned that drinking while on our honeymoon would be at my digression. She didn't recommend having more than a few cocktails. So as of right now I am uncertain of what I will do. I don't want to hurt our chances of getting pregnant, I don't want to hurt our baby, but I also don't want to miss out on partaking on our honeymoon and our probable last vacation for a few years and get a negative result. I still have some thinking to do.
I will start taking the progesterone supplements on Monday and take them twice a day, same as last month. Until I get word from Dr. Chang to stop. I packed some home pregnancy tests and will do my BETA blood test on November 10th, at 12dpiui. Same as last cycle. We will be just getting off the boat and staying in Florida for a few days. So we will just find a lab there and get them done. I am praying for a positive!
Dan is still really certain. I am just staying neutral and glad we are getting away to enjoy some time together. 1dpiui and the countdown to the dreaded two week wait has begun! I won't have any cell or internet service so my next post will be after I return home with my results in hand.
Ciao.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
CD13 Ultrasound shot 12
Yesterday was my CD13 ultrasound and my fifth ultrasound this cycle. Well it's official I can drive to my RE's office with my eyes closed. Luckily I had the company of my friend Kristina again for the drive and appointment. It all goes by so much quicker having someone to gab with and pass the time, instead of stare at my GPS and comparing the actual time with the estimated end time. Which is usually painfully off.
We finally have our game plan in place! I'm pretty excited but scared as well. My ultrasound showed that yesterday the dominant follicle in my right ovary was up to 23mm and ready to ovulate. I had a bunch of small ones that were just chilling, pretty ordinary for women with PCOS. In my left ovary I had two medium sized follicles. I can't honestly remember their exact size but I want to say they were at the rang of 12 and 11. She is having me do two more shots of Follistim (last night and tonight) at the higher dose of 167IU. Along with some extras. Last night she had me do an injection of a medication that would keep me from ovualting. She wanted the other two smaller follicles in my left ovary to have a chance of catching up with the dominant one in my right before it ovulated on it's own. Tonight I will do my second and last dose of Follistim with my "trigger" shot (Ovidrel) to follow at 9:45pm. That way those smaller two get a little more time to super charge and catch up before they all ovualte 36 hours after my "trigger" shot.
My fear is this: That the other two won't catch up and only one will ovualte. Compared to last month that is devistating odds. I do have to tell myself that it only takes one to work. Dr. Chang seemed pretty convinced that two would deffinatly ovulate, but most likely all three will. I trust her instincts so completely that I haven't let myself give up hope, feel defeated, or any of my normal feelings. I trust her, and I trust God to lead us down the path for our lives.
Our IUI is schedualed for Saturday. That makes me SO happy. It is perfect timing for my work schedual (day off!) and it also leaves me at 12dpIUI on the day we get off the cruise. The day we did our BETA last month. I'm pretty pumped that this cycle has ended up streching out a bit longer. I really didn't want to find out on the ship. I want to be able to react and feel whatever I need to when we get those results. Not force myself to be happy or share our good news because I am stuck on a boat with everyone.
Dan is in a whole other world. He says that he just knows that this is our month. He hasn't even seemed to bat an eye at anything that could be considered negative news. He says that I will get pregnant this cycle and it's just a matter of us getting that positive BETA to confirm it. That's a lot of confidence when we haven't even done the IUI yet. lol! I envy that confidence and I honestly try not to think about it too much. After all who couldn't get excited over that positivity! He may just be trying to comfort me and if he is, it's working. Only time will tell and I hope more than anything he is right. Id love to be able to tell our kids "dad knew I was pregnant with you before I did! He's such a smart daddy."
I have a busy week ahead of me, a head cold, packing, lots of OT at work, and IUI, Injections, and then we head out for our honeymoon on Monday night! Halloween! I can't wait. I will post a follow up after our IUI bright and early on Saturday morning.
We finally have our game plan in place! I'm pretty excited but scared as well. My ultrasound showed that yesterday the dominant follicle in my right ovary was up to 23mm and ready to ovulate. I had a bunch of small ones that were just chilling, pretty ordinary for women with PCOS. In my left ovary I had two medium sized follicles. I can't honestly remember their exact size but I want to say they were at the rang of 12 and 11. She is having me do two more shots of Follistim (last night and tonight) at the higher dose of 167IU. Along with some extras. Last night she had me do an injection of a medication that would keep me from ovualting. She wanted the other two smaller follicles in my left ovary to have a chance of catching up with the dominant one in my right before it ovulated on it's own. Tonight I will do my second and last dose of Follistim with my "trigger" shot (Ovidrel) to follow at 9:45pm. That way those smaller two get a little more time to super charge and catch up before they all ovualte 36 hours after my "trigger" shot.
My fear is this: That the other two won't catch up and only one will ovualte. Compared to last month that is devistating odds. I do have to tell myself that it only takes one to work. Dr. Chang seemed pretty convinced that two would deffinatly ovulate, but most likely all three will. I trust her instincts so completely that I haven't let myself give up hope, feel defeated, or any of my normal feelings. I trust her, and I trust God to lead us down the path for our lives.
Our IUI is schedualed for Saturday. That makes me SO happy. It is perfect timing for my work schedual (day off!) and it also leaves me at 12dpIUI on the day we get off the cruise. The day we did our BETA last month. I'm pretty pumped that this cycle has ended up streching out a bit longer. I really didn't want to find out on the ship. I want to be able to react and feel whatever I need to when we get those results. Not force myself to be happy or share our good news because I am stuck on a boat with everyone.
Dan is in a whole other world. He says that he just knows that this is our month. He hasn't even seemed to bat an eye at anything that could be considered negative news. He says that I will get pregnant this cycle and it's just a matter of us getting that positive BETA to confirm it. That's a lot of confidence when we haven't even done the IUI yet. lol! I envy that confidence and I honestly try not to think about it too much. After all who couldn't get excited over that positivity! He may just be trying to comfort me and if he is, it's working. Only time will tell and I hope more than anything he is right. Id love to be able to tell our kids "dad knew I was pregnant with you before I did! He's such a smart daddy."
I have a busy week ahead of me, a head cold, packing, lots of OT at work, and IUI, Injections, and then we head out for our honeymoon on Monday night! Halloween! I can't wait. I will post a follow up after our IUI bright and early on Saturday morning.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
CD9 and CD11 Ultrasounds (Follistim cycle 2)
I decided to group together my last two appointments into one blog post. Honestly I’m going to the doctor so much this cycle it's hard to keep up. I have had two more ultrasounds. One on Saturday the 22nd (CD9) and one yesterday Monday the 24th (CD11). Today is CD12.
My first ultrasound on Saturday came after a small rise in my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. At Saturday's appointment. My follicles hadn't gotten a whole lot bigger. Three follicles in the medium size range. Ranging from a 12mm-to 9mm and a handful of 6's and 7's. NOTHING to write home about. I took it as not a great appointment but not a total failure either. Dr. Chang has been pretty surprised about need to raise my dosage up time and time again. But she was not seeing the results or the magnitude of what she was hoping for. Although the way she delivered the news it was as if it wasn't a bad sign just very different from last cycle which was odd. She upped my meds to 143IU, one click below the 150 mark on my Follistim pen.
My next ultrasound was yesterday. My friend Kristina came with me to my appointment. It is SO nice to have someone to share the car ride with. I had started to feel some cramping on both sides and I was hoping it was because my follicles were getting bigger and starting to crowd my ovaries. I remember last cycle, when I had six big follicles sometimes I felt like I couldn't even button my jeans. We went into the office and got my ultrasound. I have one dominant follicle on the right side at 15mm and two medium sized at 12mm each. She decided for last night's dosage to keep me at 143IU and for tonight’s to raise me to 167IU. She is hoping that the other two smaller follicles will catch up to the larger one, while keeping the doses mild so that the bigger one doesn't ovulate on its own. I go in early tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. She is thinking that Thursday I will trigger and Saturday morning we will do our IUI, tomorrow's ultrasound should confirm that. Our timeline is sneaking up for our Honeymoon. We leave next Monday in six days and I can't wait for this all to be behind us. She anticipates 2-3 follicles getting mature enough to ovulate.
I thought at first that I would be disappointed. We had such a great response last month. I guess Dr. Chang's attention and keeping a positive attitude have really helped me stay pretty level headed. I guess that the average woman only produces 2-3 follicles while stimming anyways. I'm doing a pretty good job about staying neutral this month and not getting excited or disappointed. It sort of takes the what if's out of my head that are usually driving me crazy by now. I will just be happy to have few eggs pop out and get our IUI done before vacation time. In the beginning of all of this, I thought we would need to skip a cycle due to our trip and it has ended up working out perfectly so far. I can only thank God for that.
I will update tomorrow with my post ultrasound results. I am putting a lot of miles on my tires! I am really glad we decided to trade in our SUV (with terrible gas mileage) for a Chevy Cruize. Those 35mpg are really helping right now.
My first ultrasound on Saturday came after a small rise in my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. At Saturday's appointment. My follicles hadn't gotten a whole lot bigger. Three follicles in the medium size range. Ranging from a 12mm-to 9mm and a handful of 6's and 7's. NOTHING to write home about. I took it as not a great appointment but not a total failure either. Dr. Chang has been pretty surprised about need to raise my dosage up time and time again. But she was not seeing the results or the magnitude of what she was hoping for. Although the way she delivered the news it was as if it wasn't a bad sign just very different from last cycle which was odd. She upped my meds to 143IU, one click below the 150 mark on my Follistim pen.
My next ultrasound was yesterday. My friend Kristina came with me to my appointment. It is SO nice to have someone to share the car ride with. I had started to feel some cramping on both sides and I was hoping it was because my follicles were getting bigger and starting to crowd my ovaries. I remember last cycle, when I had six big follicles sometimes I felt like I couldn't even button my jeans. We went into the office and got my ultrasound. I have one dominant follicle on the right side at 15mm and two medium sized at 12mm each. She decided for last night's dosage to keep me at 143IU and for tonight’s to raise me to 167IU. She is hoping that the other two smaller follicles will catch up to the larger one, while keeping the doses mild so that the bigger one doesn't ovulate on its own. I go in early tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. She is thinking that Thursday I will trigger and Saturday morning we will do our IUI, tomorrow's ultrasound should confirm that. Our timeline is sneaking up for our Honeymoon. We leave next Monday in six days and I can't wait for this all to be behind us. She anticipates 2-3 follicles getting mature enough to ovulate.
I thought at first that I would be disappointed. We had such a great response last month. I guess Dr. Chang's attention and keeping a positive attitude have really helped me stay pretty level headed. I guess that the average woman only produces 2-3 follicles while stimming anyways. I'm doing a pretty good job about staying neutral this month and not getting excited or disappointed. It sort of takes the what if's out of my head that are usually driving me crazy by now. I will just be happy to have few eggs pop out and get our IUI done before vacation time. In the beginning of all of this, I thought we would need to skip a cycle due to our trip and it has ended up working out perfectly so far. I can only thank God for that.
I will update tomorrow with my post ultrasound results. I am putting a lot of miles on my tires! I am really glad we decided to trade in our SUV (with terrible gas mileage) for a Chevy Cruize. Those 35mpg are really helping right now.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
CD 7-First Ultrasound (cycle 2 on Follistim)
Yesterday was CD7, which obviously makes today CD8. I had a late afternoon appointment which was REALLY nice. I got to stay through most of my shift at work. I only had to leave an hour early to make my 4 pm appointment.
Dr. Chang has been has been on vacation since last Friday. Luckily it wasn't necessary for me to be seen before she returned yesterday. I wasn't too thrilled of the idea of seeing a fill in doctor while she was out of the office. I actually look forward to seeing Dr. Chang. Don't get me wrong. I wish more than anything that I didn't have fertility problems, but she is the first doctor to actually make me feel like I’m not a freak of nature. Luckily she specializes in freaks just like me.
I had taken four shots of 100IU and I was ready to see how I was responding the second time around. I am trying to come at this month with a totally "Un-Tiffany" type attitude. I'm just going to relax and see what happens. Granted I’m only on CD8 today. But I'm going to try and get through this cycle without getting too riled up. I don't want to get nervous, or anxious, or excited. I just want to stay pretty plain about it. Just let the cards fall where they will. Last month I was sure at every appointment there would be bad news (there never was) and after the IUI I was totally convinced it worked and then totally disappointed knowing it didn't. When I didn't know a thing. Everyone knows stress on the body isn't good. Well that's a hard pill to swallow for me. I run on stress. I do my best work, stay organized, plan, clean, all running on stress. It's all I’ve ever known and I'm going to try something different this month. Notice I say Try. So far it's going well.
With the busy week with my Grandmother's funeral and family in town, I really didn't have time to even think about it. Then I woke up and it was time for the first appointment. I am going to try and keep that same approach as the days go on. I can't change what's going to happen. That's in God’s hands and boy it's hard to just live the life he has planned for me.
Dan is doing his supportive husband thing. Already getting good feelings about this month and cheering me on and making me laugh. I love that he can always stay positive and hope for the best even when it feels like that day might never come. I love my husband. He never lets this come between us. Even on the days when I think a little too long about the fact that if he had picked anyone other than me, he would have had children by now. Instead of the possibility he may never have his own biological child. He always finds a way to lift me up and make me feel hopeful and excited. I know without a doubt in my mind that without him, I would have given up a long time ago. He is my hero. He lets me melt down and be moody. Praises me for my efforts and is so supportive and I am so in love with him. Seeing how he is with me, drives me because I know he will be such a wonderful dad. Even typing that puts a smile on my face.
I went into Exam room 1 and got my ultrasound. It was rather uneventful. My lining was nice and thick and I quote Dr. Chang "that's good, your body is doing exactly what it should be." Then she looked at my ovaries. In comparison to last cycle the eggs (follicles) were a little on the small side, measuring mostly 8mm and 7mm. Last month I had 10,9, and 8's. Although it’s nothing to be concerned over. Everything was pretty measurable to our great cycle last month. My estrogen levels were a little raised but nothing to worry about there either. She raised my dosage to 116IU, same as last month and I have my next ultrasound/appointment on Saturday morning. I'm actually excited I don't have to go on a work day for once. It will be a nice little break. Since the follicles were on the smaller side, it's hard to say how many will grow and become dominant and which ones will stay small. On Saturday we should have a better idea of what we are working with. I am hoping for another 6 egg cycle. But I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it.
She anticipates our IUI to be late next week sometime. Thursday (CD14)- Saturday (CD16). I think judging how my body responded last cycle that it will be sooner than later. Then we will have a few days to do our "homework" with some timed intercourse just to cover our bases. Then we fly off to Florida for our Cruise to the Caribbean. I think it will be the most relaxing 2 week wait we could have. Then we will have our Beta blood test in Florida when we get off the boat on 12-13dpIUI. I will also bring some home pregnancy tests on board as well. Talk about the perfect setting for us to celebrate getting pregnant. :) Fingers crossed and lots of prayers being said.
Until next time.... a quote I think of often "I think that no child could be loved more, than one that was thought might never exist."
Dr. Chang has been has been on vacation since last Friday. Luckily it wasn't necessary for me to be seen before she returned yesterday. I wasn't too thrilled of the idea of seeing a fill in doctor while she was out of the office. I actually look forward to seeing Dr. Chang. Don't get me wrong. I wish more than anything that I didn't have fertility problems, but she is the first doctor to actually make me feel like I’m not a freak of nature. Luckily she specializes in freaks just like me.
I had taken four shots of 100IU and I was ready to see how I was responding the second time around. I am trying to come at this month with a totally "Un-Tiffany" type attitude. I'm just going to relax and see what happens. Granted I’m only on CD8 today. But I'm going to try and get through this cycle without getting too riled up. I don't want to get nervous, or anxious, or excited. I just want to stay pretty plain about it. Just let the cards fall where they will. Last month I was sure at every appointment there would be bad news (there never was) and after the IUI I was totally convinced it worked and then totally disappointed knowing it didn't. When I didn't know a thing. Everyone knows stress on the body isn't good. Well that's a hard pill to swallow for me. I run on stress. I do my best work, stay organized, plan, clean, all running on stress. It's all I’ve ever known and I'm going to try something different this month. Notice I say Try. So far it's going well.
With the busy week with my Grandmother's funeral and family in town, I really didn't have time to even think about it. Then I woke up and it was time for the first appointment. I am going to try and keep that same approach as the days go on. I can't change what's going to happen. That's in God’s hands and boy it's hard to just live the life he has planned for me.
Dan is doing his supportive husband thing. Already getting good feelings about this month and cheering me on and making me laugh. I love that he can always stay positive and hope for the best even when it feels like that day might never come. I love my husband. He never lets this come between us. Even on the days when I think a little too long about the fact that if he had picked anyone other than me, he would have had children by now. Instead of the possibility he may never have his own biological child. He always finds a way to lift me up and make me feel hopeful and excited. I know without a doubt in my mind that without him, I would have given up a long time ago. He is my hero. He lets me melt down and be moody. Praises me for my efforts and is so supportive and I am so in love with him. Seeing how he is with me, drives me because I know he will be such a wonderful dad. Even typing that puts a smile on my face.
I went into Exam room 1 and got my ultrasound. It was rather uneventful. My lining was nice and thick and I quote Dr. Chang "that's good, your body is doing exactly what it should be." Then she looked at my ovaries. In comparison to last cycle the eggs (follicles) were a little on the small side, measuring mostly 8mm and 7mm. Last month I had 10,9, and 8's. Although it’s nothing to be concerned over. Everything was pretty measurable to our great cycle last month. My estrogen levels were a little raised but nothing to worry about there either. She raised my dosage to 116IU, same as last month and I have my next ultrasound/appointment on Saturday morning. I'm actually excited I don't have to go on a work day for once. It will be a nice little break. Since the follicles were on the smaller side, it's hard to say how many will grow and become dominant and which ones will stay small. On Saturday we should have a better idea of what we are working with. I am hoping for another 6 egg cycle. But I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it.
She anticipates our IUI to be late next week sometime. Thursday (CD14)- Saturday (CD16). I think judging how my body responded last cycle that it will be sooner than later. Then we will have a few days to do our "homework" with some timed intercourse just to cover our bases. Then we fly off to Florida for our Cruise to the Caribbean. I think it will be the most relaxing 2 week wait we could have. Then we will have our Beta blood test in Florida when we get off the boat on 12-13dpIUI. I will also bring some home pregnancy tests on board as well. Talk about the perfect setting for us to celebrate getting pregnant. :) Fingers crossed and lots of prayers being said.
Until next time.... a quote I think of often "I think that no child could be loved more, than one that was thought might never exist."
Friday, October 14, 2011
CD1- First ultrasound. The end of a really hard week.
Well here we are again. Yesterday was CD30 for me and also the last day my doctor was working until she went on a little mini vacation. I called her to let her know I hadn't started yet and was looking for some direction. She asked me to come in, even though I hadn't started my period yet. Just to check things out.
Us ladies with PCOS are notorious for developing large cysts after using fertility meds. If I had anything of the sort, we would need to cancel the upcoming cycle. Using fertility meds could cause a cyst to rupture and that can lead to the loss of an ovary. She needed to check under the hood and make sure I was a-ok before clearing me for another cycle of injects. I took the long drive up to Portland for my 1:30 appointment. Went in and got started with the ultrasound. Shocker... Exam room 1. I went in, did the usual undress and wait. She came in and said my lining was thick (normal for the end of cycle where AF hadn't started yet) and then moved to my ovaries. To my luck. Both ovaries clear! 12 small eggs (follicles) in each ovary. Just like last cycle.
We had a nice little talk about last cycle. She said she had really high hopes and was really disappointed and shocked that it didn't work out. She then told me she wanted to mirror my last cycle since I responded so well and hope for the same amount of Follicles with a BFP (big fat positive) home pregnancy test at the end of it. Honestly our talk made me feel a lot better. She helped me feel like I wasn't a lost cause, which after seventeen cycles of trying (and failing) is an inevitable feeling. Hope is like gold in the infertility world. She helped me get just a little bit of that back. She also told me that if injects/IUI is going to work. It will within the first four cycles. So that deadline stung and gave me a harsh reality. But, I like to be prepared and gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure after three more cycles of this, if I would have the strength to keep going anyways.
Dan and I talked about it and I'm sure many more discussions will come up in the next few months. In January our insurance changes and these cycles will start costing us a fortune. Our infertility coverage cuts in half and I don't think we can handle that financial burden right now. Our fourth cycle is up in January. So it's good timing. We don't have the money for IVF and frankly I don't want to risk scraping up all our extra pennies for a procedure that has no guarantee of working. Come January if we still aren't pregnant. We will be moving onto trying to adopt. I realize now that adoption can be equally as costly, but the guarantee is there. There are also: Grants, Tax credits, and financing available to help with the cost of adopting. I have a meeting with the CEO of my workplace next week, who just adopted. Hear her story of adoption and get some tools and information of where to start and what to expect.
Although deep in my heart, I pray every day and night for one of these last three cycles to work. I still have hope and so does Dr. Chang. I just like to have a back-up plan.
My period finally came late last night. Making today CD1. I start my injections tomorrow on CD2 at 100IU. I will have four nights of injections before my next ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon. Hoping for things to go as smoothly as they did last month. We are leaving on a "honeymoon" cruise on the 31st. So for right now the timing is working out perfectly. We will finish our IUI a few days before leaving and do my BETA blood test to see if it worked the day we get off the ship (13dpIUI). As we all know, If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans. I gotta try though!
One last note to a rather long post:
I lost my Grandmother on Wednesday. So this has been a really hard and terrible week. Finding out we failed our first IUI on Monday and then her passing. The world lost a bright shining light that night. I know that God has better plans for her. I'm glad she is no longer hurting and watching down on us all smiling. I hope to live my life in a way she can be proud of and be the kind of caring person that she was. I love you Grandma. I'll miss you always.
Us ladies with PCOS are notorious for developing large cysts after using fertility meds. If I had anything of the sort, we would need to cancel the upcoming cycle. Using fertility meds could cause a cyst to rupture and that can lead to the loss of an ovary. She needed to check under the hood and make sure I was a-ok before clearing me for another cycle of injects. I took the long drive up to Portland for my 1:30 appointment. Went in and got started with the ultrasound. Shocker... Exam room 1. I went in, did the usual undress and wait. She came in and said my lining was thick (normal for the end of cycle where AF hadn't started yet) and then moved to my ovaries. To my luck. Both ovaries clear! 12 small eggs (follicles) in each ovary. Just like last cycle.
We had a nice little talk about last cycle. She said she had really high hopes and was really disappointed and shocked that it didn't work out. She then told me she wanted to mirror my last cycle since I responded so well and hope for the same amount of Follicles with a BFP (big fat positive) home pregnancy test at the end of it. Honestly our talk made me feel a lot better. She helped me feel like I wasn't a lost cause, which after seventeen cycles of trying (and failing) is an inevitable feeling. Hope is like gold in the infertility world. She helped me get just a little bit of that back. She also told me that if injects/IUI is going to work. It will within the first four cycles. So that deadline stung and gave me a harsh reality. But, I like to be prepared and gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure after three more cycles of this, if I would have the strength to keep going anyways.
Dan and I talked about it and I'm sure many more discussions will come up in the next few months. In January our insurance changes and these cycles will start costing us a fortune. Our infertility coverage cuts in half and I don't think we can handle that financial burden right now. Our fourth cycle is up in January. So it's good timing. We don't have the money for IVF and frankly I don't want to risk scraping up all our extra pennies for a procedure that has no guarantee of working. Come January if we still aren't pregnant. We will be moving onto trying to adopt. I realize now that adoption can be equally as costly, but the guarantee is there. There are also: Grants, Tax credits, and financing available to help with the cost of adopting. I have a meeting with the CEO of my workplace next week, who just adopted. Hear her story of adoption and get some tools and information of where to start and what to expect.
Although deep in my heart, I pray every day and night for one of these last three cycles to work. I still have hope and so does Dr. Chang. I just like to have a back-up plan.
My period finally came late last night. Making today CD1. I start my injections tomorrow on CD2 at 100IU. I will have four nights of injections before my next ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon. Hoping for things to go as smoothly as they did last month. We are leaving on a "honeymoon" cruise on the 31st. So for right now the timing is working out perfectly. We will finish our IUI a few days before leaving and do my BETA blood test to see if it worked the day we get off the ship (13dpIUI). As we all know, If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans. I gotta try though!
One last note to a rather long post:
I lost my Grandmother on Wednesday. So this has been a really hard and terrible week. Finding out we failed our first IUI on Monday and then her passing. The world lost a bright shining light that night. I know that God has better plans for her. I'm glad she is no longer hurting and watching down on us all smiling. I hope to live my life in a way she can be proud of and be the kind of caring person that she was. I love you Grandma. I'll miss you always.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
12dpIUI Beta results (Yesterday)
I did pretty good this past weekend. Although I was left alone with a box full of home pregnancy tests. I knew it was probably too early to test and I just needed to wait for the all knowing BETA test. There really is no second guessing a BETA and it can detect levels down to only two weeks of pregnancy. It detects the HCG present in your blood. While now days home tests, have gotten pretty sensitive. There is always room for error or the thing every TTC woman tells herself, "Oh, I bet it's just too early." To give ourselves a few more days of living in the clouds of possibility, before accepting the inevitable defeat.
Yesterday was my BETA test. I had my little support group waiting via text message for the news and Dan and I went to sleep full of prayers and hope. I work in a lab and I also work the early shift. My blood was drawn around 7am. I knew it would be about an hour to get the results back. Dan called me twice in the twenty minutes I had been waiting. Our stomach was in knots.
Then the lab set the slip of paper in front of me. My results were right there! I picked them up and scanned the page looking for my results. There it was... a big...fat... ZERO. Honestly my heart broke just then. Dan was still on the phone from one of his handful of phone calls and we just sat in silence before tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to escape to the employee bathroom. I choked out "I love you, I need to go to the bathroom." and hung up the phone. I sat in the bathroom my head in my lap soaking the lab paper with tears.
I cried for about ten minutes before pulling myself together and sending out the group text message "I'm not pregnant." I didn't want to talk about it. I was having a hard enough time keeping my composure without explaining over and over. I just shut my phone off and sat back down. I made it another fifteen minutes before I knew I wasn't going to make it at work all day. I called the boss and picked up my things and took off as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheeks as I made my way through the hallway.
Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life. Although, I know that it wasn't. We only get four shots at our injection/IUI cycles before they want you to move on to more aggressive treatments (IVF). There's no way we can afford IVF and there isn't any guarantee it will work. So if these cycles don't work, we will have to move onto adoption. Which I have always been open to, but honestly it's not what I want. At least not right now. Three more tries to go.
A conversation with my doctor made me feel a little better. She was very sensitive to the situation. She was kind and caring and careful with her words. She honestly said that she was shocked it didn't work, we had such an impressive cycle and now we know that I respond to the meds well and we will just have to hope for next time. The good news is that we won't have to miss a cycle for our vacation either. She said we will have plenty of time for my injections and the IUI before we leave for our cruise on the 31st. I think that will be the easiest 2 week wait yet. We will be sailing around the Caribbean, sun soaking on the beaches and swimming in clear water.
So here I wait for my period to start. Hopefully by tomorrow. Then I will have my base ultrasound sometime in the first three days and we will get started from there. I also decided that next month on BETA results day that I'm going to take the day off of work and hope for a day of celebration instead of heartbreak.
I'm just reminding myself daily "Be hopeful."
Yesterday was my BETA test. I had my little support group waiting via text message for the news and Dan and I went to sleep full of prayers and hope. I work in a lab and I also work the early shift. My blood was drawn around 7am. I knew it would be about an hour to get the results back. Dan called me twice in the twenty minutes I had been waiting. Our stomach was in knots.
Then the lab set the slip of paper in front of me. My results were right there! I picked them up and scanned the page looking for my results. There it was... a big...fat... ZERO. Honestly my heart broke just then. Dan was still on the phone from one of his handful of phone calls and we just sat in silence before tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to escape to the employee bathroom. I choked out "I love you, I need to go to the bathroom." and hung up the phone. I sat in the bathroom my head in my lap soaking the lab paper with tears.
I cried for about ten minutes before pulling myself together and sending out the group text message "I'm not pregnant." I didn't want to talk about it. I was having a hard enough time keeping my composure without explaining over and over. I just shut my phone off and sat back down. I made it another fifteen minutes before I knew I wasn't going to make it at work all day. I called the boss and picked up my things and took off as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheeks as I made my way through the hallway.
Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life. Although, I know that it wasn't. We only get four shots at our injection/IUI cycles before they want you to move on to more aggressive treatments (IVF). There's no way we can afford IVF and there isn't any guarantee it will work. So if these cycles don't work, we will have to move onto adoption. Which I have always been open to, but honestly it's not what I want. At least not right now. Three more tries to go.
A conversation with my doctor made me feel a little better. She was very sensitive to the situation. She was kind and caring and careful with her words. She honestly said that she was shocked it didn't work, we had such an impressive cycle and now we know that I respond to the meds well and we will just have to hope for next time. The good news is that we won't have to miss a cycle for our vacation either. She said we will have plenty of time for my injections and the IUI before we leave for our cruise on the 31st. I think that will be the easiest 2 week wait yet. We will be sailing around the Caribbean, sun soaking on the beaches and swimming in clear water.
So here I wait for my period to start. Hopefully by tomorrow. Then I will have my base ultrasound sometime in the first three days and we will get started from there. I also decided that next month on BETA results day that I'm going to take the day off of work and hope for a day of celebration instead of heartbreak.
I'm just reminding myself daily "Be hopeful."
Monday, October 3, 2011
5dpIUI (5 days post IUI)
I thought I would do a little mid-two week wait blog post. Although I don't have much to report. I started my progesterone supplements on Friday, so I’m on day 4 of those. I take two a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Most people on them absolutely hate them. The reason: the side effects are almost the same exact signs of early pregnancy. I have never really found that is true with me. Maybe I’m just oblivious, I don't really know. I have been having a few random cramps here and there but I would say they are most likely IUI related and not really signs of anything. 5dpIUI is really early for anything. Although, if I am pregnant it's still making its way down the fallopian tube and to my Uterus. It won't implant until 7-10 days after ovulation.
I have been asked more than a handful of times if I feel pregnant yet. I wish more than anything the answer was yes. I wish that I was confident that this cycle worked and all our efforts will pay off. But I am sort of just on middle ground. I want to be positive and stress free. I want to be okay no matter the answer. I want to be hopeful and plan with Daniel. But there is this deep rooted cynicism that is inside of me. I am just waiting for that negative result so I can hurry up and get the next cycle going. It's like I’m running on an infertility treadmill and there is no end. I will just keep running until I die.
I have taken a moment to think that we would find out the gender/s around Christmas time and what a fun gift that would be to give our families. I have thought about baby names and nursery themes, and in this last year and a half probably spent a little more time in the baby section at department stores than I should. So I am hopeful. My heart is open and I am ready to be a mom. I'm just scared shitless that if we continue to fail. That will be my life. Just hoping and wishing. Never actually getting to hold our baby in my arms.
One week from today I’m taking a Beta QUANT blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. It will be while I'm at work and I am just hoping for news that will leave me beaming, instead of hiding out in the employee bathroom with tears filling my eyes. I'm not in a negative place. Honestly I’m at peace this cycle. A place I haven't been before. Because I know without a doubt we did every single thing right and everything we possibly could have done. The odds don't get better than this. So if the answer is no this month. I can live with that knowing that it just wasn't the right time. But I am still praying every day for that positive we have been waiting so long for.
I have been asked more than a handful of times if I feel pregnant yet. I wish more than anything the answer was yes. I wish that I was confident that this cycle worked and all our efforts will pay off. But I am sort of just on middle ground. I want to be positive and stress free. I want to be okay no matter the answer. I want to be hopeful and plan with Daniel. But there is this deep rooted cynicism that is inside of me. I am just waiting for that negative result so I can hurry up and get the next cycle going. It's like I’m running on an infertility treadmill and there is no end. I will just keep running until I die.
I have taken a moment to think that we would find out the gender/s around Christmas time and what a fun gift that would be to give our families. I have thought about baby names and nursery themes, and in this last year and a half probably spent a little more time in the baby section at department stores than I should. So I am hopeful. My heart is open and I am ready to be a mom. I'm just scared shitless that if we continue to fail. That will be my life. Just hoping and wishing. Never actually getting to hold our baby in my arms.
One week from today I’m taking a Beta QUANT blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. It will be while I'm at work and I am just hoping for news that will leave me beaming, instead of hiding out in the employee bathroom with tears filling my eyes. I'm not in a negative place. Honestly I’m at peace this cycle. A place I haven't been before. Because I know without a doubt we did every single thing right and everything we possibly could have done. The odds don't get better than this. So if the answer is no this month. I can live with that knowing that it just wasn't the right time. But I am still praying every day for that positive we have been waiting so long for.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
CD 14 and it's IUI time!
Starting this cycle I honestly had no idea if this day would ever come. It's always exciting starting something new, doing a new procedure, taking a new medicine. A new plan feels refreshing and gives you a new hope. I also know that I have been through four doctors and lots of "new plans" and none of them have worked. I have been as positive as I could posibly be. This cycle has just felt different. We made if fun and starting making home movies of us talking about what were doing each day and getting my injections. It's actually the first time in a long time I have laughed and smiled about it.
We got to Portland a bit earlier than expected and went to a Sushi Track about a block away from Dr. Chang's office. I figured I better get it in now, just in case! Then we arrived at Dr. Changs at around 1:15. Dan needed to give his sample by 1:30. Let me just say this now, although these past two weeks I have seen Dr. Chang six times (six portland trips) given myself 11 injections, bruised, six blood draws. That is a ton of preassure to be the male. Although he really only had one major job (aside from moral support and a shoulder to cry on) i'm not sure that I could "preform" under those circumstances. I thought it might be fun and went to try and offer a helping hand but I think I just ended up making him more nervous and decided that I should leave him alone. I told him and I fully ment it that I wouldn't be mad if he couldn't do it, just to relax and everything will happen like it's supposed to. I think after taking a few minutes to relax and calm down he did the deed and he left his semen sample to be "washed" which takes about an hour and we went to Target to window shop and kill some time.
When they "wash" the semen. They get rid off all mis-shaped, un-motile sperm, and any debris (which is usually mucous) They do a post wash count of how many are left and ready to go! Then they put them in a liquid that makes it easier for them to swim and makes them quicker. Dr. Chang let us know that she needs at least 10 million post wash and that's a good/average number. Dan had 21 million post wash! Woo Hoo. Gold start for my husband. The thing is, it only takes one. So we were happy.
I came back around 2:30 and the washing had about ten minutes left so we sat in the wating room like two teenagers kissing and laughing. I thought that doing an IUI would be uncomfortable and completely unromantic. But I don't think we have ever been so loving out in public before. Usually we hold hands and kiss and cuddle. But there was just something about us possibly making a baby that we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. I even got quite a few butt squeezes in Target. :) At the same time I learned two things, I was dissapointed Dan couldn't come to more of my appointmetns. I had never laughed as much or had as much fun. I also learned why he doesn't come more often... Here are two pictures as examples.
The first is the only picture I took. One of us in the exam room waiting for IUI. I mean how many couples can take a picture RIGHT before they make a baby??
Here it is:
Here's Dan's choice for his one and only picture taken. He was laughing and had me laughing so hard at the ultrasound machine in the room. The brand name of this equiptment was: Drum Roll... Siemens. LOL Of course he was prononcing it Semens. He was so excited of his find, he didn't bother taking a picture of anything else. Here's his picture of the day:
I got undressed in exam room 1 from the waist down and Dr. Chang came in with her MA to do the procedure. They placed a catheter up inot my uterus which caused a bit of cramping, but nothing compared to the HSG I had done. Then she injected dan's semen up into the catheter and into my uterus. I laid there for about 15 mintues with my feet up and then got dressed. I will start taking progesterone suppliments on Friday, twice a day until I find out if the procedure worked or not. We also have strict instructions to have sex everyday. So, buisness like usual. :) I have my blood pregnancy test on the 10th of October. So a week and half. About 12 days. Although I might start home testing on Saturday on 10dpo. Although it's unlikely it will show that early, it's going to be impossible to wait!
We got to Portland a bit earlier than expected and went to a Sushi Track about a block away from Dr. Chang's office. I figured I better get it in now, just in case! Then we arrived at Dr. Changs at around 1:15. Dan needed to give his sample by 1:30. Let me just say this now, although these past two weeks I have seen Dr. Chang six times (six portland trips) given myself 11 injections, bruised, six blood draws. That is a ton of preassure to be the male. Although he really only had one major job (aside from moral support and a shoulder to cry on) i'm not sure that I could "preform" under those circumstances. I thought it might be fun and went to try and offer a helping hand but I think I just ended up making him more nervous and decided that I should leave him alone. I told him and I fully ment it that I wouldn't be mad if he couldn't do it, just to relax and everything will happen like it's supposed to. I think after taking a few minutes to relax and calm down he did the deed and he left his semen sample to be "washed" which takes about an hour and we went to Target to window shop and kill some time.
When they "wash" the semen. They get rid off all mis-shaped, un-motile sperm, and any debris (which is usually mucous) They do a post wash count of how many are left and ready to go! Then they put them in a liquid that makes it easier for them to swim and makes them quicker. Dr. Chang let us know that she needs at least 10 million post wash and that's a good/average number. Dan had 21 million post wash! Woo Hoo. Gold start for my husband. The thing is, it only takes one. So we were happy.
I came back around 2:30 and the washing had about ten minutes left so we sat in the wating room like two teenagers kissing and laughing. I thought that doing an IUI would be uncomfortable and completely unromantic. But I don't think we have ever been so loving out in public before. Usually we hold hands and kiss and cuddle. But there was just something about us possibly making a baby that we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. I even got quite a few butt squeezes in Target. :) At the same time I learned two things, I was dissapointed Dan couldn't come to more of my appointmetns. I had never laughed as much or had as much fun. I also learned why he doesn't come more often... Here are two pictures as examples.
The first is the only picture I took. One of us in the exam room waiting for IUI. I mean how many couples can take a picture RIGHT before they make a baby??
Here it is:
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
CD 12 Ultrasound/ 10 Follistim Injections
Yesterday I had my last and final monitoring ultrasound. It was a tad overwhelming. My mom actually took the trip with me. I have been getting so tired driving alone and getting bored and it made for a much quicker trip! I am really thankful that she went. She also got to see some pretty cool stuff and dig a little deeper into what it is I am really going through.
Yesterday at work I also got my Flu shot for the season. I was thinking in my head, getting a little cocky. “Yeah I’ve been injecting myself every single night for ten days straight. I got this.” OUCH. It quickly reminded me that I have been using baby needles too.
My arm was already sore and Dr. Chang’s MA took me back for my normal blood draw. I think my veins are revolting, because it hurt this time. Probably the only time it has ever hurt for them to draw my blood. It also happened to be in the same arm as my flu shot! Take a moment, to think of what a big baby I am.
We went into exam room 1, which should have my name on the door by now. Got undressed and let my mom in. Dr. Chang came in and introduced herself and got down to business. My lining was nice and thick. Perfect. Then as she found my right ovary she asked me if I had been “feeling full?” UH that was an understatement. Seriously my jeans sometimes hurt to put on I feel so bloated. She smiled and I took that as a good sign. Then BAM. It had only been three days since my last ultrasound. I was kept on my low dosage of 116IU. 4 BIG follicles! One had already reached 23mm. My fears started to subside that I wouldn’t have enough mature follicles to give us good odds this month. Then three others in the right tagged along measuring between17-19mm. 4 mature follicles in just the right ovary. They were ready to trigger. I remembered she really didn’t want more than 5 mature and ovulating. I knew my right was taking to the meds a lot better than the left and I prayed for only one more. The left ovary had 2 mature follicles and they were 18 and 19mm and ready as well. 6 mature follicles. The possibility of six babies.
Dr. Chang didn’t even mention canceling this cycle, which surprised me but also made me happy. I would have been devastated and it is worth the risk. She did however drive home the point about multiples. She repeated that I was still really young, with healthy eggs and told my mom she had already spoken with me about the risk of multiples (1). Then we talked some more about the process for Wednesday. She was going to check my hormone levels to make sure, but was 99% sure she did not want me taking my Follistim dosage for that day. Also that she had hoped to do a pretty mellow cycle this time around because she was afraid of… exactly what had happened(2). Then she said again “I hope you are okay with multiples.” (3) She left the office, I got dressed and we walked out to schedule my IUI (insemination on Wednesday) then before she walked out of the room she said “Just so you remember I did counsel you on multiples.”(4) Seriously four mentions in less than 20 minutes. I was officially freaking out.
The sad part about all of this is, I want to be excited. I want to be hopeful. Those are amazing odds. Honestly I had my panic about having a litter of babies instead of the twins I was hoping for. But it quickly subsided for the fear of none of them taking. We are only looking at a 25-30% success rate for ONE viable embryo. I just wish that this process didn’t jade me so completely. I can think back to the first few months we were trying. It was an adventure I thought about the nursery and what kind of dad Dan would be and over the course of this last year and half. I have lost hope. I have let this shell of doubt and insecurity harden around my heart and I just can’t let myself believe it is actually possible until I see that positive pregnancy test. Otherwise, I’m not sure I could really go through with this month after month. I am trying SO hard to just listen to my heart and know that whatever happens in our life is God’s plan for me. It is so difficult to let go sometimes and just let what will be, happen and be okay with it. Let’s just say I’m a work in progress.
I got a phone call around 6pm stating that Dr. Chang did not want me to take any more of my Follistim medication and to do my trigger shot of HCG at 02:30AM (ouch). This will force my ovaries to ovulate all the mature follicles. Wednesday we will head up to Portland around 11 and dan will need to produce a seamen sample by 1:30. Then they will wash it and we will start our IUI (insemination) around 02:30pm. 36 hours later. This is around the time my ovaries should pop those eggies out. The procedure can take up to thirty minutes and I will lie down with my hips elevated for 15-20 minutes afterwards. Then we will have the dreaded 2 week wait to see if it worked.
I have a lot going on in my mind. We are REALLY wanting twins and we would be happy with Triplets. Anything more than that is scary, but we are a team and we are ready for whatever life throws at us. I hope I can just get my attitude on board with every else’s. Let my guard down a bit and enjoy this. After all it’s not how we pictured, it’s not the most romantic thing in the world, but we could be making a baby tomorrow.
My mother in law gave me this to think about “Attitude is everything…. and a good one is the best!”
Sunday, September 25, 2011
CD 9/ 7 Follistim Injections
Friday was my second monitoring ultrasound since starting my Follistim injections. I had done seven injections and had three days of my new dosage. Every time I make the trip up to Portland I honestly get pretty worked up. The trip up there alone is a long one and I have a lot of time to let my insecurites creep in and I end up picturing the worst case senario possible.
I had a really hard day on Friday. I don't know if the injections are making me overly emotional or if it was just one of those days. I just knew walking into some bad news. I ended up making it my appointment about thirty minutes ahead of time. I sat in Dr. Changs waiting room and a new medical assistant took me into the lab area. They drew my blood for my E2 level (which again, I don't know the result other than it was in a normal range).
I went into exam room 1. Did the normal "please get undressed below the waist and put this thin paper sheet over your lap" and waiting for Dr. Chang. She came in and we started my ultrasound. She said my lining was getting nice and thick. Which also ment my estrogen levels are rising. Hurdle number one down, so far so good. Then she took a look at my right ovary. Right away I could tell that my eggs (folicles) were bigger. She started measuring them one by one. There were now 12 eggs in my right ovary and three dominant ones. The largest measuring 13mm and the other two were 12 and 11. Not to shabby.
While she looked for my more stubborn left ovary I asked her how many mature follicles she was wanting. Most of my Google searches said that doctors would cancel the cycle if more than 3 mature follicles were present. For fear of them all implanting. To my surprise my doctor was right on the same page as I was. She said two would be fine but she would like to see up to five. I have been hoping that 4-5 eggs get big enough to ovulate. Not only do I not want to go through this again next cycle, but we are really hoping we will be lucky enough to get twins. Typing that out it sounds greedy. We will be lucky enough to be able to have one baby let alone twins. Only time will tell.
My left ovary still had 12 eggs but most were too small to make the cut this cycle. My right ovary is taking to the medication a lot better than the left. But there were still 2 dominate follicles right on track with the other three. She kept my dosage the same at 116IU and I have another appointment with her tomorrow (Monday) three days after my last ultrasound. She is hoping that on Monday my five dominant follicles will be mature enough to trigger and ovulate. Or at least a few of them. There is always fear that they will reduce in size or dissapear all together. She will know on Monday if I should do my trigger shot on Monday night or on Tuesday night. Depending on when I trigger we will make our appointment for our insemination (IUI). Insemination should be on Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have two weeks of waiting left to see if it worked and we get that positive home pregnancy test. I will write another update tomorrow after my appointment. I am praying for good news. :) Time for my 10th injection!
I had a really hard day on Friday. I don't know if the injections are making me overly emotional or if it was just one of those days. I just knew walking into some bad news. I ended up making it my appointment about thirty minutes ahead of time. I sat in Dr. Changs waiting room and a new medical assistant took me into the lab area. They drew my blood for my E2 level (which again, I don't know the result other than it was in a normal range).
I went into exam room 1. Did the normal "please get undressed below the waist and put this thin paper sheet over your lap" and waiting for Dr. Chang. She came in and we started my ultrasound. She said my lining was getting nice and thick. Which also ment my estrogen levels are rising. Hurdle number one down, so far so good. Then she took a look at my right ovary. Right away I could tell that my eggs (folicles) were bigger. She started measuring them one by one. There were now 12 eggs in my right ovary and three dominant ones. The largest measuring 13mm and the other two were 12 and 11. Not to shabby.
While she looked for my more stubborn left ovary I asked her how many mature follicles she was wanting. Most of my Google searches said that doctors would cancel the cycle if more than 3 mature follicles were present. For fear of them all implanting. To my surprise my doctor was right on the same page as I was. She said two would be fine but she would like to see up to five. I have been hoping that 4-5 eggs get big enough to ovulate. Not only do I not want to go through this again next cycle, but we are really hoping we will be lucky enough to get twins. Typing that out it sounds greedy. We will be lucky enough to be able to have one baby let alone twins. Only time will tell.
My left ovary still had 12 eggs but most were too small to make the cut this cycle. My right ovary is taking to the medication a lot better than the left. But there were still 2 dominate follicles right on track with the other three. She kept my dosage the same at 116IU and I have another appointment with her tomorrow (Monday) three days after my last ultrasound. She is hoping that on Monday my five dominant follicles will be mature enough to trigger and ovulate. Or at least a few of them. There is always fear that they will reduce in size or dissapear all together. She will know on Monday if I should do my trigger shot on Monday night or on Tuesday night. Depending on when I trigger we will make our appointment for our insemination (IUI). Insemination should be on Wednesday or Thursday. Then we have two weeks of waiting left to see if it worked and we get that positive home pregnancy test. I will write another update tomorrow after my appointment. I am praying for good news. :) Time for my 10th injection!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
CD6 Ultrasound/ 4 Follistim injections
Well, yesterday afternoon I made the trip up to the big city. It was time for my first ultrasound after starting my Follistim injections. The 2+ hour trips (one way)are getting old and quick. It's bizzare to sit in the car for so long, go to a twenty minute appointment and then do it all over again. I will do what I have to do, and it's a bummer sometimes but at least I get out of work early sometimes. :)
I got to Dr. Chang's office and went for some blood work. They check your Estradiol (E2) levels at every visit to make sure you are in normal range. I am still a newbie when it comes to the rules of the E2 levels. So far all I know is mine have been fine. Then I went into the exam room, undressed from the waist down and waited. This five or ten minute wait really leaves your mind racing. Usually I try to focus on the fact that I wish I would have painted my toes or what socks I should wear next time.
Dr. Chang then preforms a vaginal ultrasound. If you don't know what that is. Here's a picture.
That sure looks like a ton of fun! NOT.
She first checked the lining of my uterus and said it is thickening nicely. She did the measurements but I sort of forgot to pay attention to the exact numbers, since she said everything was just fine. Next she looked at my right ovary. I should have asked for copies of the ultrasound photo's. The right ovary had 12 eggs (medicaly known as follicles) and she measured them one by one. The largest was at 10mm. They need to get to a whopping 18-22mm before they are mature enough to ovulate. Here's an example (not mine) of an ovary with many follicles.
My left ovary had 12 eggs. That's 22 total! I am really excited about that, seeing how my biggest fear was id show up and the meds wouldn't be working on me. Although most of them are on the smaller side of 9's,8's, and even some 7mm. So my little eggies aren't even half way there yet. I'm okay with slow and steady wins the race!
She decided to increase my dosage just to help them mature a tad bit faster. She raised my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. That gives me hope, if my small little eggs were a lost cause I would think she would have raised the dosage quite a bit.
From my reaserch if six or more follicles mature to the point of ovulation they will cancel the cycle. It could make me very ill and that puts me at risk for way too many multiples. I am hoping that at least 4 or 5 mature. The idea of all five implanting really scares me, but I know people who ovulate 3 follicles and end up with only one viable implantation. I think doctors are most comfortable with 1-3 big follicles.
I have another ultrasound appointment on Friday to see my progress. If I have really sped up the timeline, I'll come back for monitoring again on Saturday morning. If things are still going at a slower pace my next appointment will be the following Monday. I have a feeling after Monday's appointment I will be ready for my "trigger" shot a few days after. Then it's time for our IUI! I'm getting excited. But the percentage of success of all of this is still at a really low 25-30%. I wouldn't bet on those odds. But hopefully, just hopefully this is our lucky cycle!
I got to Dr. Chang's office and went for some blood work. They check your Estradiol (E2) levels at every visit to make sure you are in normal range. I am still a newbie when it comes to the rules of the E2 levels. So far all I know is mine have been fine. Then I went into the exam room, undressed from the waist down and waited. This five or ten minute wait really leaves your mind racing. Usually I try to focus on the fact that I wish I would have painted my toes or what socks I should wear next time.
Dr. Chang then preforms a vaginal ultrasound. If you don't know what that is. Here's a picture.
She first checked the lining of my uterus and said it is thickening nicely. She did the measurements but I sort of forgot to pay attention to the exact numbers, since she said everything was just fine. Next she looked at my right ovary. I should have asked for copies of the ultrasound photo's. The right ovary had 12 eggs (medicaly known as follicles) and she measured them one by one. The largest was at 10mm. They need to get to a whopping 18-22mm before they are mature enough to ovulate. Here's an example (not mine) of an ovary with many follicles.
She decided to increase my dosage just to help them mature a tad bit faster. She raised my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. That gives me hope, if my small little eggs were a lost cause I would think she would have raised the dosage quite a bit.
From my reaserch if six or more follicles mature to the point of ovulation they will cancel the cycle. It could make me very ill and that puts me at risk for way too many multiples. I am hoping that at least 4 or 5 mature. The idea of all five implanting really scares me, but I know people who ovulate 3 follicles and end up with only one viable implantation. I think doctors are most comfortable with 1-3 big follicles.
I have another ultrasound appointment on Friday to see my progress. If I have really sped up the timeline, I'll come back for monitoring again on Saturday morning. If things are still going at a slower pace my next appointment will be the following Monday. I have a feeling after Monday's appointment I will be ready for my "trigger" shot a few days after. Then it's time for our IUI! I'm getting excited. But the percentage of success of all of this is still at a really low 25-30%. I wouldn't bet on those odds. But hopefully, just hopefully this is our lucky cycle!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Fun with Follistim
We met with Dr. Amiee Chang the very last day of August 2011. She has her own practice at the Oregon Infertility Institute in Portland Oregon. The drive is about 2 hours-one way. At this point I am used to all the traveling though, so it’s not really an issue.
Dan actually had the day off and he got to go with me. He almost never can get time off from work and this was a really important first meeting. I’m so happy that he got to go. We showed up and the receptionist/MA had me fill out a prior history packet that would make any infertile woman’s hands get clammy. It was the most detailed prior history packet of all time. Luckily I’m very organized and carry a planner around with me that has literally everything written down in it. Every appointment, cycle day, lab results, periods, what days I took which meds. I also had my medical records sent over from the last two doctors.
We met Dr. Chang and I will admit at first I’m very leery when I meet a new doctor. She impressed me immediately. We sat down gave her some more background information and she laid out a game plan for the next four months. She let us know that this was all in our hands. We were in the driver’s seat. If we weren’t comfortable doing something then to tell her and she will back off. She said she would do whatever she could to get us to that ultimate goal of getting pregnant. She was soft spoken, confident, and to the point. I was mid cycle when we went into the appointment. We had about two weeks until I could take a pregnancy test. If it was positive, then we were set. If not we’d start the next step. Judging by the blog you can probably tell it was negative.
On CD1 (first day of my period) I called the office and they scheduled me that day to come in for a baseline ultrasound. They look at your lining and your ovaries to make sure that everything is on track. My lining was thick but appropriate for CD1 and my ovaries had several small “eggs” called follicles that were pretty small but consistent with having PCOS. The next step was a pretty intense one, but one that we were ready for.
We decided to move onto injectable fertility medication. I started on CD 2 and I will go in every three days or so for ultrasounds to be monitored. The reason that I am going to be monitored so closely is injectable fertility meds are VERY potent, especially with my young age. Follistim is the medication I have been using. Each night at the same time (8 pm) I give myself an injection of 100 IU. This is a pretty mild dosage. My first follow up Ultrasound is tomorrow CD6, I will have taken 4 injections by then. To monitor my progress and adjust or keep the dosage the same based on those results. Here are a couple pictures of the injection pen and a little snippet of me getting my second injection on Saturday night.
Above are the different parts to the pen and medications.
Below is a little video taken of me getting my second injection.
I will continue the injections until the doctor feels I am ready to “trigger”. I will give myself an injection of hcg (Ovidrel is the brand name) and that will trigger my ovaries to release all the mature eggs. Each egg that releases has potential to be fertilized. My doctor thinks I have over a 50% chance of conceiving multiples. Dan and I are really excited about this possibility! Only time will tell. They will call me and give me very specific instructions on when to give myself the hcg shot down to the minute. 24-36 hours later Dan and I will go up to their office. He will give them a semen sample and they will perform an IUI (also known as Artificial Insemination)they do a procedure to the semen called “Washing” to prepare it for the IUI. It increases the chance of fertilization by removing any mucous or non-motile sperm. Then they will put a catheter into my uterus and place the semen directly into it. That way they don’t have to do a whole lot of work. After that we wait and see if any or all of the ovulated eggs get fertilized and implant! I will do another update tomorrow after my visit with Dr. Chang and my ultrasound.
Luckily we are covered 100% for now. A usual injectable cycle with IUI runs anywhere from 3500-5000 per cycle. The Follistim itself, runs 1.30$ per IU. Each one of my mild doses of 100IU a night would run me 130$. YIKES! After December some serious budgeting is in store for us.
Our Journey to Get Here..
Honestly I have been wondering how I can possibly put the last 15 months into one blog post. I think that most of the posts will be from my perspective (Tiffany). Hopefully down the road, Dan can share his insight on the husband’s role and how he has felt and handled it all. I’m going to be frank and if you read something that, you don’t like or is too much to handle feel free to stop. We want an unedited place to cry and rejoice.
It all started by accident. Literally. The condom broke and we had the dreaded two week wait to see if I was pregnant. We decided against using a Plan B and in those two weeks we both got excited at the prospect. When my period came, we both were disappointed and had a very honest discussion about our lives and what we wanted. Although it felt crazy at the time, we decided we were ready to really try and become parents. Little did we know what a hard road was up ahead of us.
Around the age of 19, Tiffany was diagnosed with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Here is a quick link to the WIKI website to get a little background if you want http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycystic_ovary_syndrome . This was something she shared with Dan early on in their relationship, because she knew it could make getting pregnant in the future very difficult.
The first few months we tried like any couple. We learned my cycle and with each passing month we grew more and more disappointed but knew that these things just take time and had fun in the process. By the third month in September we had just gotten back from Vegas, I decided to see a new OBGYN to talk about my PCOS and trying to conceive.
I met with Dr. Donald. He advised we try without doing anything drastic for a couple more months. By November I had every lab test in the book, and they found out I was not ovulating on my own. He decided to get me going on some medications that would get me to ovulate.
December was the month I started taking Clomid. Clomid is a fertility medication taken orally, in doses anywhere from 50-200mg each. It stops the signal to your ovaries that usually only lets one “egg” mature and ovulate.
I started a regime every month that consisted of:
CD (cycle day, the first day of your period is Cycle Day 1)5-7 take 50mg of Clomid.
Start using an OPK (ovulation predictor kit) three days after the last Clomid pill until you see a positive.
24-38 hours later Ovulation
CD 21 Progesterone blood work to confirm ovulation and see if progesterone was high enough to sustain a pregnancy.
CD29 Home pregnancy test/Period begins.
We did two months of 50mg Clomid, with only one cycle resulting in ovulation.
Next started the monitored cycles. They do an ultrasound at the beginning of the cycle to check uterine lining (got an A+) and no cysts in sight which is a great sign! Those can mean big issues in the infertility world. Then as the cycle went along using another round of 50mg Clomid check to see how the “eggs” are maturing and how many should ovulate. After a seemly successful month still BFN (Big Fat Negative).
Dr. Donald decided that I should see another OBGYN in Portland that may be more experienced with fertility medication. During that month waiting for my appointment he took me off all meds in March/April of 2011 and I didn’t ovulate. Dan also had a semen analysis done to make sure that he was A-OK. His results came back pretty average, no problems there.
May 6th 2011 my first appointment with Dr. Megan Bird. She was wonderful. She was sensitive to my feelings and also a straight shooter. She was confused as to why I was referred to her and she did not have a ton of experience with infertility. Our next step would be to see a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). Usually insurances cover 0%-20% of reproductive medicine. They consider having a baby not a medical necessity. If you ask me that’s a crock of bullshit. One visit with an RE runs around 250$. We made a plan and she decided to give me as many tests as they would at the RE and do a 2-3 month plan with her while my insurance would still pay at 100%.
My first step was an HSG test in the radiology group in Tualatin. You go into a procedure room they take a catheter and put it through the vagina, the cervix, and into the uterus. They inflate a small balloon to make space and inject a Radiopaque dye through the tube and into the uterus. Simultaneously they take video/pictures to watch the dye fill the uterus to see its shape and if there are any abnormalities. Then the dye flows through the fallopian tubes and into the ovaries, to show any blockages or punctures. It was uncomfortable and slightly painful. My test’s results were good. No blockages, fine shape, just a little tipped but that holds the equivalence of someone being left handed. It’s a bit different but no better or worse than an un-tipped uterus.
Here is a picture of what one looks like. This isn't mine but just an example:
Then I did two more unmonitored cycles of Clomid, one 50mg and one 100mg cycle. Both resulting in no pregnancies. My cycles started getting increasingly bad, irregular and she made the decision there was nothing else she could do for me. It was time to see the RE.
The idea of seeing a RE was exciting because that is all they do all day is deal with patients just like me who need help getting pregnant. At this point it had been a long 13 month journey and most days it felt like I was right where I started. We had a long talk about finances and if we could afford to see the RE. We decided that although it would be a struggle financially that we had been trying too long and gone through too much to stop. We laid in bed together and called the insurance company. Chanting “Please at least cover 20%. PLEASE) we found out that until January of 2012 we were covered at 100%. We were elated and made our appointment for August 31st 2011. In January our coverage goes down to 50%.
This post is very watered down. I just wanted to give a general idea of where we have been, moving forward. It has been a very painful process and I will probably dedicate a post of emotion later on in the blog. If anything, leaving out how many tear filled nights we have had made this a little more tolerable to re live. If I had any other man standing by my side. I don’t think I would have made it as far as we have.
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