5dpIUI (5 days post IUI)

I thought I would do a little mid-two week wait blog post. Although I don't have much to report. I started my progesterone supplements on Friday, so I’m on day 4 of those. I take two a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Most people on them absolutely hate them. The reason: the side effects are almost the same exact signs of early pregnancy. I have never really found that is true with me. Maybe I’m just oblivious, I don't really know. I have been having a few random cramps here and there but I would say they are most likely IUI related and not really signs of anything. 5dpIUI is really early for anything. Although, if I am pregnant it's still making its way down the fallopian tube and to my Uterus. It won't implant until 7-10 days after ovulation.

I have been asked more than a handful of times if I feel pregnant yet. I wish more than anything the answer was yes. I wish that I was confident that this cycle worked and all our efforts will pay off. But I am sort of just on middle ground. I want to be positive and stress free. I want to be okay no matter the answer. I want to be hopeful and plan with Daniel. But there is this deep rooted cynicism that is inside of me. I am just waiting for that negative result so I can hurry up and get the next cycle going. It's like I’m running on an infertility treadmill and there is no end. I will just keep running until I die.

I have taken a moment to think that we would find out the gender/s around Christmas time and what a fun gift that would be to give our families. I have thought about baby names and nursery themes, and in this last year and a half probably spent a little more time in the baby section at department stores than I should. So I am hopeful. My heart is open and I am ready to be a mom. I'm just scared shitless that if we continue to fail. That will be my life. Just hoping and wishing. Never actually getting to hold our baby in my arms.

One week from today I’m taking a Beta QUANT blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. It will be while I'm at work and I am just hoping for news that will leave me beaming, instead of hiding out in the employee bathroom with tears filling my eyes. I'm not in a negative place. Honestly I’m at peace this cycle. A place I haven't been before. Because I know without a doubt we did every single thing right and everything we possibly could have done. The odds don't get better than this. So if the answer is no this month. I can live with that knowing that it just wasn't the right time. But I am still praying every day for that positive we have been waiting so long for.