Yesterday I had my last and final monitoring ultrasound. It was a tad overwhelming. My mom actually took the trip with me. I have been getting so tired driving alone and getting bored and it made for a much quicker trip! I am really thankful that she went. She also got to see some pretty cool stuff and dig a little deeper into what it is I am really going through.
Yesterday at work I also got my Flu shot for the season. I was thinking in my head, getting a little cocky. “Yeah I’ve been injecting myself every single night for ten days straight. I got this.” OUCH. It quickly reminded me that I have been using baby needles too.
My arm was already sore and Dr. Chang’s MA took me back for my normal blood draw. I think my veins are revolting, because it hurt this time. Probably the only time it has ever hurt for them to draw my blood. It also happened to be in the same arm as my flu shot! Take a moment, to think of what a big baby I am.
We went into exam room 1, which should have my name on the door by now. Got undressed and let my mom in. Dr. Chang came in and introduced herself and got down to business. My lining was nice and thick. Perfect. Then as she found my right ovary she asked me if I had been “feeling full?” UH that was an understatement. Seriously my jeans sometimes hurt to put on I feel so bloated. She smiled and I took that as a good sign. Then BAM. It had only been three days since my last ultrasound. I was kept on my low dosage of 116IU. 4 BIG follicles! One had already reached 23mm. My fears started to subside that I wouldn’t have enough mature follicles to give us good odds this month. Then three others in the right tagged along measuring between17-19mm. 4 mature follicles in just the right ovary. They were ready to trigger. I remembered she really didn’t want more than 5 mature and ovulating. I knew my right was taking to the meds a lot better than the left and I prayed for only one more. The left ovary had 2 mature follicles and they were 18 and 19mm and ready as well. 6 mature follicles. The possibility of six babies.
Dr. Chang didn’t even mention canceling this cycle, which surprised me but also made me happy. I would have been devastated and it is worth the risk. She did however drive home the point about multiples. She repeated that I was still really young, with healthy eggs and told my mom she had already spoken with me about the risk of multiples (1). Then we talked some more about the process for Wednesday. She was going to check my hormone levels to make sure, but was 99% sure she did not want me taking my Follistim dosage for that day. Also that she had hoped to do a pretty mellow cycle this time around because she was afraid of… exactly what had happened(2). Then she said again “I hope you are okay with multiples.” (3) She left the office, I got dressed and we walked out to schedule my IUI (insemination on Wednesday) then before she walked out of the room she said “Just so you remember I did counsel you on multiples.”(4) Seriously four mentions in less than 20 minutes. I was officially freaking out.
The sad part about all of this is, I want to be excited. I want to be hopeful. Those are amazing odds. Honestly I had my panic about having a litter of babies instead of the twins I was hoping for. But it quickly subsided for the fear of none of them taking. We are only looking at a 25-30% success rate for ONE viable embryo. I just wish that this process didn’t jade me so completely. I can think back to the first few months we were trying. It was an adventure I thought about the nursery and what kind of dad Dan would be and over the course of this last year and half. I have lost hope. I have let this shell of doubt and insecurity harden around my heart and I just can’t let myself believe it is actually possible until I see that positive pregnancy test. Otherwise, I’m not sure I could really go through with this month after month. I am trying SO hard to just listen to my heart and know that whatever happens in our life is God’s plan for me. It is so difficult to let go sometimes and just let what will be, happen and be okay with it. Let’s just say I’m a work in progress.
I got a phone call around 6pm stating that Dr. Chang did not want me to take any more of my Follistim medication and to do my trigger shot of HCG at 02:30AM (ouch). This will force my ovaries to ovulate all the mature follicles. Wednesday we will head up to Portland around 11 and dan will need to produce a seamen sample by 1:30. Then they will wash it and we will start our IUI (insemination) around 02:30pm. 36 hours later. This is around the time my ovaries should pop those eggies out. The procedure can take up to thirty minutes and I will lie down with my hips elevated for 15-20 minutes afterwards. Then we will have the dreaded 2 week wait to see if it worked.
I have a lot going on in my mind. We are REALLY wanting twins and we would be happy with Triplets. Anything more than that is scary, but we are a team and we are ready for whatever life throws at us. I hope I can just get my attitude on board with every else’s. Let my guard down a bit and enjoy this. After all it’s not how we pictured, it’s not the most romantic thing in the world, but we could be making a baby tomorrow.
My mother in law gave me this to think about “Attitude is everything…. and a good one is the best!”
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