CD9 and CD11 Ultrasounds (Follistim cycle 2)

I decided to group together my last two appointments into one blog post. Honestly I’m going to the doctor so much this cycle it's hard to keep up. I have had two more ultrasounds. One on Saturday the 22nd (CD9) and one yesterday Monday the 24th (CD11). Today is CD12.

My first ultrasound on Saturday came after a small rise in my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. At Saturday's appointment. My follicles hadn't gotten a whole lot bigger. Three follicles in the medium size range. Ranging from a 12mm-to 9mm and a handful of 6's and 7's. NOTHING to write home about. I took it as not a great appointment but not a total failure either. Dr. Chang has been pretty surprised about need to raise my dosage up time and time again. But she was not seeing the results or the magnitude of what she was hoping for. Although the way she delivered the news it was as if it wasn't a bad sign just very different from last cycle which was odd. She upped my meds to 143IU, one click below the 150 mark on my Follistim pen. 

My next ultrasound was yesterday. My friend Kristina came with me to my appointment. It is SO nice to have someone to share the car ride with. I had started to feel some cramping on both sides and I was hoping it was because my follicles were getting bigger and starting to crowd my ovaries. I remember last cycle, when I had six big follicles sometimes I felt like I couldn't even button my jeans. We went into the office and got my ultrasound. I have one dominant follicle on the right side at 15mm and two medium sized at 12mm each. She decided for last night's dosage to keep me at 143IU and for tonight’s to raise me to 167IU. She is hoping that the other two smaller follicles will catch up to the larger one, while keeping the doses mild so that the bigger one doesn't ovulate on its own. I go in early tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. She is thinking that Thursday I will trigger and Saturday morning we will do our IUI, tomorrow's ultrasound should confirm that. Our timeline is sneaking up for our Honeymoon. We leave next Monday in six days and I can't wait for this all to be behind us. She anticipates 2-3 follicles getting mature enough to ovulate.

I thought at first that I would be disappointed. We had such a great response last month. I guess Dr. Chang's attention and keeping a positive attitude have really helped me stay pretty level headed. I guess that the average woman only produces 2-3 follicles while stimming anyways. I'm doing a pretty good job about staying neutral this month and not getting excited or disappointed. It sort of takes the what if's out of my head that are usually driving me crazy by now. I will just be happy to have few eggs pop out and get our IUI done before vacation time. In the beginning of all of this, I thought we would need to skip a cycle due to our trip and it has ended up working out perfectly so far. I can only thank God for that.

I will update tomorrow with my post ultrasound results. I am putting a lot of miles on my tires! I am really glad we decided to trade in our SUV (with terrible gas mileage) for a Chevy Cruize. Those 35mpg are really helping right now.

CD 7-First Ultrasound (cycle 2 on Follistim)

Yesterday was CD7, which obviously makes today CD8. I had a late afternoon appointment which was REALLY nice. I got to stay through most of my shift at work. I only had to leave an hour early to make my 4 pm appointment.

Dr. Chang has been has been on vacation since last Friday. Luckily it wasn't necessary for me to be seen before she returned yesterday. I wasn't too thrilled of the idea of seeing a fill in doctor while she was out of the office. I actually look forward to seeing Dr. Chang. Don't get me wrong. I wish more than anything that I didn't have fertility problems, but she is the first doctor to actually make me feel like I’m not a freak of nature. Luckily she specializes in freaks just like me.

I had taken four shots of 100IU and I was ready to see how I was responding the second time around. I am trying to come at this month with a totally "Un-Tiffany" type attitude. I'm just going to relax and see what happens. Granted I’m only on CD8 today. But I'm going to try and get through this cycle without getting too riled up. I don't want to get nervous, or anxious, or excited. I just want to stay pretty plain about it. Just let the cards fall where they will. Last month I was sure at every appointment there would be bad news (there never was) and after the IUI I was totally convinced it worked and then totally disappointed knowing it didn't. When I didn't know a thing. Everyone knows stress on the body isn't good. Well that's a hard pill to swallow for me. I run on stress. I do my best work, stay organized, plan, clean, all running on stress. It's all I’ve ever known and I'm going to try something different this month. Notice I say Try. So far it's going well.

With the busy week with my Grandmother's funeral and family in town, I really didn't have time to even think about it. Then I woke up and it was time for the first appointment. I am going to try and keep that same approach as the days go on. I can't change what's going to happen. That's in God’s hands and boy it's hard to just live the life he has planned for me.

Dan is doing his supportive husband thing. Already getting good feelings about this month and cheering me on and making me laugh. I love that he can always stay positive and hope for the best even when it feels like that day might never come. I love my husband. He never lets this come between us. Even on the days when I think a little too long about the fact that if he had picked anyone other than me, he would have had children by now. Instead of the possibility he may never have his own biological child. He always finds a way to lift me up and make me feel hopeful and excited. I know without a doubt in my mind that without him, I would have given up a long time ago. He is my hero. He lets me melt down and be moody. Praises me for my efforts and is so supportive and I am so in love with him. Seeing how he is with me, drives me because I know he will be such a wonderful dad. Even typing that puts a smile on my face.

I went into Exam room 1 and got my ultrasound. It was rather uneventful. My lining was nice and thick and I quote Dr. Chang "that's good, your body is doing exactly what it should be." Then she looked at my ovaries. In comparison to last cycle the eggs (follicles) were a little on the small side, measuring mostly 8mm and 7mm. Last month I had 10,9, and 8's. Although it’s nothing to be concerned over. Everything was pretty measurable to our great cycle last month. My estrogen levels were a little raised but nothing to worry about there either. She raised my dosage to 116IU, same as last month and I have my next ultrasound/appointment on Saturday morning. I'm actually excited I don't have to go on a work day for once. It will be a nice little break. Since the follicles were on the smaller side, it's hard to say how many will grow and become dominant and which ones will stay small. On Saturday we should have a better idea of what we are working with. I am hoping for another 6 egg cycle. But I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it.

She anticipates our IUI to be late next week sometime. Thursday (CD14)- Saturday (CD16). I think judging how my body responded last cycle that it will be sooner than later. Then we will have a few days to do our "homework" with some timed intercourse just to cover our bases. Then we fly off to Florida for our Cruise to the Caribbean. I think it will be the most relaxing 2 week wait we could have. Then we will have our Beta blood test in Florida when we get off the boat on 12-13dpIUI. I will also bring some home pregnancy tests on board as well. Talk about the perfect setting for us to celebrate getting pregnant. :) Fingers crossed and lots of prayers being said.

Until next time....  a quote I think of often "I think that no child could be loved more, than one that was thought might never exist."

CD1- First ultrasound. The end of a really hard week.

Well here we are again. Yesterday was CD30 for me and also the last day my doctor was working until she went on a little mini vacation. I called her to let her know I hadn't started yet and was looking for some direction. She asked me to come in, even though I hadn't started my period yet. Just to check things out.

Us ladies with PCOS are notorious for developing large cysts after using fertility meds. If I had anything of the sort, we would need to cancel the upcoming cycle. Using fertility meds could cause a cyst to rupture and that can lead to the loss of an ovary. She needed to check under the hood and make sure I was a-ok before clearing me for another cycle of injects. I took the long drive up to Portland for my 1:30 appointment. Went in and got started with the ultrasound. Shocker... Exam room 1. I went in, did the usual undress and wait. She came in and said my lining was thick (normal for the end of cycle where AF hadn't started yet) and then moved to my ovaries. To my luck. Both ovaries clear! 12 small eggs (follicles) in each ovary. Just like last cycle.

We had a nice little talk about last cycle. She said she had really high hopes and was really disappointed and shocked that it didn't work out. She then told me she wanted to mirror my last cycle since I responded so well and hope for the same amount of Follicles with a BFP (big fat positive) home pregnancy test at the end of it. Honestly our talk made me feel a lot better. She helped me feel like I wasn't a lost cause, which after seventeen cycles of trying (and failing) is an inevitable feeling. Hope is like gold in the infertility world. She helped me get just a little bit of that back. She also told me that if injects/IUI is going to work. It will within the first four cycles. So that deadline stung and gave me a harsh reality. But, I like to be prepared and gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure after three more cycles of this, if I would have the strength to keep going anyways.

Dan and I talked about it and I'm sure many more discussions will come up in the next few months. In January our insurance changes and these cycles will start costing us a fortune. Our infertility coverage cuts in half and I don't think we can handle that financial burden right now. Our fourth cycle is up in January. So it's good timing. We don't have the money for IVF and frankly I don't want to risk scraping up all our extra pennies for a procedure that has no guarantee of working. Come January if we still aren't pregnant. We will be moving onto trying to adopt. I realize now that adoption can be equally as costly, but the guarantee is there. There are also: Grants, Tax credits, and financing available to help with the cost of adopting. I have a meeting with the CEO of my workplace next week, who just adopted. Hear her story of adoption and get some tools and information of where to start and what to expect.

Although deep in my heart, I pray every day and night for one of these last three cycles to work. I still have hope and so does Dr. Chang. I just like to have a back-up plan.

My period finally came late last night. Making today CD1. I start my injections tomorrow on CD2 at 100IU. I will have four nights of injections before my next ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon. Hoping for things to go as smoothly as they did last month. We are leaving on a "honeymoon" cruise on the 31st. So for right now the timing is working out perfectly. We will finish our IUI a few days before leaving and do my BETA blood test to see if it worked the day we get off the ship (13dpIUI). As we all know, If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans. I gotta try though!

One last note to a rather long post:
I lost my Grandmother on Wednesday. So this has been a really hard and terrible week. Finding out we failed our first IUI on Monday and then her passing. The world lost a bright shining light that night. I know that God has better plans for her. I'm glad she is no longer hurting and watching down on us all smiling. I hope to live my life in a way she can be proud of and be the kind of caring person that she was. I love you Grandma. I'll miss you always.

12dpIUI Beta results (Yesterday)

I did pretty good this past weekend. Although I was left alone with a box full of home pregnancy tests. I knew it was probably too early to test and I just needed to wait for the all knowing BETA test. There really is no second guessing a BETA and it can detect levels down to only two weeks of pregnancy. It detects the HCG present in your blood. While now days home tests, have gotten pretty sensitive. There is always room for error or the thing every TTC woman tells herself,  "Oh, I bet it's just too early." To give ourselves a few more days of living in the clouds of possibility, before accepting the inevitable defeat.

Yesterday was my BETA test. I had my little support group waiting via text message for the news and Dan and I went to sleep full of prayers and hope. I work in a lab and I also work the early shift. My blood was drawn around 7am. I knew it would be about an hour to get the results back. Dan called me twice in the twenty minutes I had been waiting. Our stomach was in knots.

Then the lab set the slip of paper in front of me. My results were right there! I picked them up and scanned the page looking for my results. There it was... a big...fat... ZERO. Honestly my heart broke just then. Dan was still on the phone from one of his handful of phone calls and we just sat in silence before tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to escape to the employee bathroom. I choked out "I love you, I need to go to the bathroom." and hung up the phone. I sat in the bathroom my head in my lap soaking the lab paper with tears.

I cried for about ten minutes before pulling myself together and sending out the group text message "I'm not pregnant." I didn't want to talk about it. I was having a hard enough time keeping my composure without explaining over and over. I just shut my phone off and sat back down. I made it another fifteen minutes before I knew I wasn't going to make it at work all day. I called the boss and picked up my things and took off as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheeks as I made my way through the hallway.

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life. Although, I know that it wasn't. We only get four shots at our injection/IUI cycles before they want you to move on to more aggressive treatments (IVF). There's no way we can afford IVF and there isn't any guarantee it will work. So if these cycles don't work, we will have to move onto adoption. Which I have always been open to, but honestly it's not what I want. At least not right now. Three more tries to go.

A conversation with my doctor made me feel a little better. She was very sensitive to the situation. She was kind and caring and careful with her words. She honestly said that she was shocked it didn't work, we had such an impressive cycle and now we know that I respond to the meds well and we will just have to hope for next time. The good news is that we won't have to miss a cycle for our vacation either. She said we will have plenty of time for my injections and the IUI before we leave for our cruise on the 31st. I think that will be the easiest 2 week wait yet. We will be sailing around the Caribbean, sun soaking on the beaches and swimming in clear water.

So here I wait for my period to start. Hopefully by tomorrow. Then I will have my base ultrasound sometime in the first three days and we will get started from there. I also decided that next month on BETA results day that I'm going to take the day off of work and hope for a day of celebration instead of heartbreak.

I'm just reminding myself daily "Be hopeful."

5dpIUI (5 days post IUI)

I thought I would do a little mid-two week wait blog post. Although I don't have much to report. I started my progesterone supplements on Friday, so I’m on day 4 of those. I take two a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Most people on them absolutely hate them. The reason: the side effects are almost the same exact signs of early pregnancy. I have never really found that is true with me. Maybe I’m just oblivious, I don't really know. I have been having a few random cramps here and there but I would say they are most likely IUI related and not really signs of anything. 5dpIUI is really early for anything. Although, if I am pregnant it's still making its way down the fallopian tube and to my Uterus. It won't implant until 7-10 days after ovulation.

I have been asked more than a handful of times if I feel pregnant yet. I wish more than anything the answer was yes. I wish that I was confident that this cycle worked and all our efforts will pay off. But I am sort of just on middle ground. I want to be positive and stress free. I want to be okay no matter the answer. I want to be hopeful and plan with Daniel. But there is this deep rooted cynicism that is inside of me. I am just waiting for that negative result so I can hurry up and get the next cycle going. It's like I’m running on an infertility treadmill and there is no end. I will just keep running until I die.

I have taken a moment to think that we would find out the gender/s around Christmas time and what a fun gift that would be to give our families. I have thought about baby names and nursery themes, and in this last year and a half probably spent a little more time in the baby section at department stores than I should. So I am hopeful. My heart is open and I am ready to be a mom. I'm just scared shitless that if we continue to fail. That will be my life. Just hoping and wishing. Never actually getting to hold our baby in my arms.

One week from today I’m taking a Beta QUANT blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. It will be while I'm at work and I am just hoping for news that will leave me beaming, instead of hiding out in the employee bathroom with tears filling my eyes. I'm not in a negative place. Honestly I’m at peace this cycle. A place I haven't been before. Because I know without a doubt we did every single thing right and everything we possibly could have done. The odds don't get better than this. So if the answer is no this month. I can live with that knowing that it just wasn't the right time. But I am still praying every day for that positive we have been waiting so long for.

CD 14 and it's IUI time!

Starting this cycle I honestly had no idea if this day would ever come. It's always exciting starting something new, doing a new procedure, taking a new medicine. A new plan feels refreshing and gives you a new hope. I also know that I have been through four doctors and lots of "new plans" and none of them have worked. I have been as positive as I could posibly be. This cycle has just felt different. We made if fun and starting making home movies of us talking about what were doing each day and getting my injections. It's actually the first time in a long time I have laughed and smiled about it.

We got to Portland a bit earlier than expected and went to a Sushi Track about a block away from Dr. Chang's office. I figured I better get it in now, just in case! Then we arrived at Dr. Changs at around 1:15. Dan needed to give his sample by 1:30. Let me just say this now, although these past two weeks I have seen Dr. Chang six times (six portland trips) given myself 11 injections, bruised, six blood draws. That is a ton of preassure to be the male. Although he really only had one major job (aside from moral support and a shoulder to cry on) i'm not sure that I could "preform" under those circumstances. I thought it might be fun and went to try and offer a helping hand but I think I just ended up making him more nervous and decided that I should leave him alone. I told him and I fully ment it that I wouldn't be mad if he couldn't do it, just to relax and everything will happen like it's supposed to. I think after taking a few minutes to relax and calm down he did the deed and he left his semen sample to be "washed" which takes about an hour and we went to Target to window shop and kill some time.

When they "wash" the semen. They get rid off all mis-shaped, un-motile sperm, and any debris (which is usually mucous) They do a post wash count of how many are left and ready to go! Then they put them in a liquid that makes it easier for them to swim and makes them quicker. Dr. Chang let us know that she needs at least 10 million post wash and that's a good/average number. Dan had 21 million post wash! Woo Hoo. Gold start for my husband. The thing is, it only takes one. So we were happy.

I came back around 2:30 and the washing had about ten minutes left so we sat in the wating room like two teenagers kissing and laughing. I thought that doing an IUI would be uncomfortable and completely unromantic. But I don't think we have ever been so loving out in public before. Usually we hold hands and kiss and cuddle. But there was just something about us possibly making a baby that we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. I even got quite a few butt squeezes in Target. :) At the same time I learned two things, I was dissapointed Dan couldn't come to more of my appointmetns. I had never laughed as much or had as much fun. I also learned why he doesn't come more often... Here are two pictures as examples.
The first is the only picture I took. One of us in the exam room waiting for IUI. I mean how many couples can take a picture RIGHT before they make a baby??
Here it is:

Here's Dan's choice for his one and only picture taken. He was laughing and had me laughing so hard at the ultrasound machine in the room. The brand name of this equiptment was: Drum Roll... Siemens. LOL Of course he was prononcing it Semens. He was so excited of his find, he didn't bother taking a picture of anything else. Here's his picture of the day:

I got undressed in exam room 1 from the waist down and Dr. Chang came in with her MA to do the procedure. They placed a catheter up inot my uterus which caused a bit of cramping, but nothing compared to the HSG I had done. Then she injected dan's semen up into the catheter and into my uterus. I laid there for about 15 mintues with my feet up and then got dressed. I will start taking progesterone suppliments on Friday, twice a day until I find out if the procedure worked or not. We also have strict instructions to have sex everyday. So, buisness like usual. :) I have my blood pregnancy test on the 10th of October. So a week and half. About 12 days. Although I might start home testing on Saturday on 10dpo. Although it's unlikely it will show that early, it's going to be impossible to wait!

CD 12 Ultrasound/ 10 Follistim Injections

Yesterday I had my last and final monitoring ultrasound. It was a tad overwhelming. My mom actually took the trip with me. I have been getting so tired driving alone and getting bored and it made for a much quicker trip! I am really thankful that she went. She also got to see some pretty cool stuff and dig a little deeper into what it is I am really going through.

Yesterday at work I also got my Flu shot for the season. I was thinking in my head, getting a little cocky. “Yeah I’ve been injecting myself every single night for ten days straight. I got this.” OUCH. It quickly reminded me that I have been using baby needles too.

My arm was already sore and Dr. Chang’s MA took me back for my normal blood draw. I think my veins are revolting, because it hurt this time. Probably the only time it has ever hurt for them to draw my blood. It also happened to be in the same arm as my flu shot! Take a moment, to think of what a big baby I am.

We went into exam room 1, which should have my name on the door by now. Got undressed and let my mom in. Dr. Chang came in and introduced herself and got down to business. My lining was nice and thick. Perfect. Then as she found my right ovary she asked me if I had been “feeling full?” UH that was an understatement. Seriously my jeans sometimes hurt to put on I feel so bloated. She smiled and I took that as a good sign. Then BAM.  It had only been three days since my last ultrasound. I was kept on my low dosage of 116IU. 4 BIG follicles! One had already reached 23mm. My fears started to subside that I wouldn’t have enough mature follicles to give us good odds this month. Then three others in the right tagged along measuring between17-19mm. 4 mature follicles in just the right ovary. They were ready to trigger. I remembered she really didn’t want more than 5 mature and ovulating. I knew my right was taking to the meds a lot better than the left and I prayed for only one more. The left ovary had 2 mature follicles and they were 18 and 19mm and ready as well. 6 mature follicles. The possibility of six babies.

Dr. Chang didn’t even mention canceling this cycle, which surprised me but also made me happy. I would have been devastated and it is worth the risk. She did however drive home the point about multiples. She repeated that I was still really young, with healthy eggs and told my mom she had already spoken with me about the risk of multiples (1). Then we talked some more about the process for Wednesday. She was going to check my hormone levels to make sure, but was 99% sure she did not want me taking my Follistim dosage for that day. Also that she had hoped to do a pretty mellow cycle this time around because she was afraid of… exactly what had happened(2). Then she said again “I hope you are okay with multiples.” (3) She left the office, I got dressed and we walked out to schedule my IUI (insemination on Wednesday) then before she walked out of the room she said “Just so you remember I did counsel you on multiples.”(4) Seriously four mentions in less than 20 minutes. I was officially freaking out.

The sad part about all of this is, I want to be excited. I want to be hopeful. Those are amazing odds. Honestly I had my panic about having a litter of babies instead of the twins I was hoping for. But it quickly subsided for the fear of none of them taking. We are only looking at a 25-30% success rate for ONE viable embryo. I just wish that this process didn’t jade me so completely. I can think back to the first few months we were trying. It was an adventure I thought about the nursery and what kind of dad Dan would be and over the course of this last year and half. I have lost hope. I have let this shell of doubt and insecurity harden around my heart and I just can’t let myself believe it is actually possible until I see that positive pregnancy test. Otherwise, I’m not sure I could really go through with this month after month. I am trying SO hard to just listen to my heart and know that whatever happens in our life is God’s plan for me. It is so difficult to let go sometimes and just let what will be, happen and be okay with it. Let’s just say I’m a work in progress.

I got a phone call around 6pm stating that Dr. Chang did not want me to take any more of my Follistim medication and to do my trigger shot of HCG at 02:30AM (ouch). This will force my ovaries to ovulate all the mature follicles. Wednesday we will head up to Portland around 11 and dan will need to produce a seamen sample by 1:30. Then they will wash it and we will start our IUI (insemination) around 02:30pm. 36 hours later. This is around the time my ovaries should pop those eggies out. The procedure can take up to thirty minutes and I will lie down with my hips elevated for 15-20 minutes afterwards. Then we will have the dreaded 2 week wait to see if it worked.

I have a lot going on in my mind. We are REALLY wanting twins and we would be happy with Triplets. Anything more than that is scary, but we are a team and we are ready for whatever life throws at us. I hope I can just get my attitude on board with every else’s. Let my guard down a bit and enjoy this. After all it’s not how we pictured, it’s not the most romantic thing in the world, but we could be making a baby tomorrow.

My mother in law gave me this to think about “Attitude is everything…. and a good one is the best!”