I did pretty good this past weekend. Although I was left alone with a box full of home pregnancy tests. I knew it was probably too early to test and I just needed to wait for the all knowing BETA test. There really is no second guessing a BETA and it can detect levels down to only two weeks of pregnancy. It detects the HCG present in your blood. While now days home tests, have gotten pretty sensitive. There is always room for error or the thing every TTC woman tells herself, "Oh, I bet it's just too early." To give ourselves a few more days of living in the clouds of possibility, before accepting the inevitable defeat.
Yesterday was my BETA test. I had my little support group waiting via text message for the news and Dan and I went to sleep full of prayers and hope. I work in a lab and I also work the early shift. My blood was drawn around 7am. I knew it would be about an hour to get the results back. Dan called me twice in the twenty minutes I had been waiting. Our stomach was in knots.
Then the lab set the slip of paper in front of me. My results were right there! I picked them up and scanned the page looking for my results. There it was... a big...fat... ZERO. Honestly my heart broke just then. Dan was still on the phone from one of his handful of phone calls and we just sat in silence before tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to escape to the employee bathroom. I choked out "I love you, I need to go to the bathroom." and hung up the phone. I sat in the bathroom my head in my lap soaking the lab paper with tears.
I cried for about ten minutes before pulling myself together and sending out the group text message "I'm not pregnant." I didn't want to talk about it. I was having a hard enough time keeping my composure without explaining over and over. I just shut my phone off and sat back down. I made it another fifteen minutes before I knew I wasn't going to make it at work all day. I called the boss and picked up my things and took off as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheeks as I made my way through the hallway.
Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life. Although, I know that it wasn't. We only get four shots at our injection/IUI cycles before they want you to move on to more aggressive treatments (IVF). There's no way we can afford IVF and there isn't any guarantee it will work. So if these cycles don't work, we will have to move onto adoption. Which I have always been open to, but honestly it's not what I want. At least not right now. Three more tries to go.
A conversation with my doctor made me feel a little better. She was very sensitive to the situation. She was kind and caring and careful with her words. She honestly said that she was shocked it didn't work, we had such an impressive cycle and now we know that I respond to the meds well and we will just have to hope for next time. The good news is that we won't have to miss a cycle for our vacation either. She said we will have plenty of time for my injections and the IUI before we leave for our cruise on the 31st. I think that will be the easiest 2 week wait yet. We will be sailing around the Caribbean, sun soaking on the beaches and swimming in clear water.
So here I wait for my period to start. Hopefully by tomorrow. Then I will have my base ultrasound sometime in the first three days and we will get started from there. I also decided that next month on BETA results day that I'm going to take the day off of work and hope for a day of celebration instead of heartbreak.
I'm just reminding myself daily "Be hopeful."
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