CD16 IUI #2

Yesterday was our IUI! It felt like it took forever. In reality it had only been sixteen days since the start of my cycle. I think, the more frequent doctor’s visits really did a number on me. I was starting to feel like this IUI day would never come. I stayed calm and low key and everything worked out in the end. Just like it should have.

Our appointment for the IUI was at 9:45. Dan needed to be at Dr. Chang’s office by 8:15 to give his semen sample. We left Warrenton around six and got up a few minutes before 5:30am. That is the time I usually get up for work on the weekdays so I was used to it, although I really like my Saturday sleep in's. Something I will have to get used to missing after children enter the picture. Something I will gladly give up!

Our post wash semen count was 31million! Up ten million from last cycle. Go Phelps swimmers go! The IUI went well a tad more cramping during the procedure than last time, but no problems. Dr. Chang noticed I had a cold and asked what meds I was taking. She approved my Dayquil thank goodness! I also brought up the fact that I take quite a bit of Ibuprofen for back pain every day. She was unaware and wanted me to stop taking it ASAP. She said normally she would have had me stop taking it before ovulation happened. Instantly I felt like a failure. It helps me A LOT in my day to day. I have a herniated disc and it helps with my pain management. Although I knew that when I got pregnant I would have to stop taking it, if I had known it could affect getting pregnant in the first place of course I would have stopped. I started crying as soon as she left the room. Dan reassured me everything will be fine.

After the fifteen minute waiting period. I got dressed and headed out to talk to Dr. Chang for my post IUI game plan. I asked her point blank if I had ruined this cycle and if I should just give up hope  now and she said no of course not. That people do lots of things and get pregnant. But since I am at a fertility clinic they take every single precaution they can and make sure that I have as good of odds as possible. She also mentioned that drinking while on our honeymoon would be at my digression. She didn't recommend having more than a few cocktails. So as of right now I am uncertain of what I will do. I don't want to hurt our chances of getting pregnant, I don't want to hurt our baby, but I also don't want to miss out on partaking on our honeymoon and our probable last vacation for a few years and get a negative result. I still have some thinking to do.

I will start taking the progesterone supplements on Monday and take them twice a day, same as last month. Until I get word from Dr. Chang to stop. I packed some home pregnancy tests and will do my BETA blood test on November 10th, at 12dpiui. Same as last cycle. We will be just getting off the boat and staying in Florida for a few days. So we will just find a lab there and get them done. I am praying for a positive!

Dan is still really certain. I am just staying neutral and glad we are getting away to enjoy some time together. 1dpiui and the countdown to the dreaded two week wait has begun! I won't have any cell or internet service so my next post will be after I return home with my results in hand.

Ciao.

CD13 Ultrasound shot 12

Yesterday was my CD13 ultrasound and my fifth ultrasound this cycle. Well it's official I can drive to my RE's office with my eyes closed.  Luckily I had the company of my friend Kristina again for the drive and appointment. It all goes by so much quicker having someone to gab with and pass the time, instead of stare at my GPS and comparing the actual time with the estimated end time. Which is usually painfully off. 

We finally have our game plan in place! I'm pretty excited but scared as well. My ultrasound showed that yesterday the dominant follicle in my right ovary was up to 23mm and ready to ovulate. I had a bunch of small ones that were just chilling, pretty ordinary for women with PCOS. In my left ovary I had two medium sized follicles. I can't honestly remember their exact size but I want to say they were at the rang of 12 and 11. She is having me do two more shots of Follistim (last night and tonight) at the higher dose of 167IU. Along with some extras. Last night she had me do an injection of a medication that would keep me from ovualting. She wanted the other two smaller follicles in my left ovary to have a chance of catching up with the dominant one in my right before it ovulated on it's own. Tonight I will do my second and last dose of Follistim with my "trigger" shot (Ovidrel) to follow at 9:45pm. That way those smaller two get a little more time to super charge and catch up before they all ovualte 36 hours after my "trigger" shot.

My fear is this: That the other two won't catch up and only one will ovualte. Compared to last month that is devistating odds. I do have to tell myself that it only takes one to work. Dr. Chang seemed pretty convinced that two would deffinatly ovulate, but most likely all three will. I trust her instincts so completely that I haven't let myself give up hope, feel defeated, or any of my normal feelings. I trust her, and I trust God to lead us down the path for our lives.

Our IUI is schedualed for Saturday. That makes me SO happy. It is perfect timing for my work schedual (day off!) and it also leaves me at 12dpIUI on the day we get off the cruise. The day we did our BETA last month. I'm pretty pumped that this cycle has ended up streching out a bit longer. I really didn't want to find out on the ship. I want to be able to react and feel whatever I need to when we get those results. Not force myself to be happy or share our good news because I am stuck on a boat with everyone.

Dan is in a whole other world. He says that he just knows that this is our month. He hasn't even seemed to bat an eye at anything that could be considered negative news. He says that I will get pregnant this cycle and it's just a matter of us getting that positive BETA to confirm it. That's a lot of confidence when we haven't even done the IUI yet. lol! I envy that confidence and I honestly try not to think about it too much. After all who couldn't get excited over that positivity! He may just be trying to comfort me and if he is, it's working. Only time will tell and I hope more than anything he is right. Id love to be able to tell our kids "dad knew I was pregnant with you before I did! He's such a smart daddy."

I have a busy week ahead of me, a head cold, packing, lots of OT at work, and IUI, Injections, and then we head out for our honeymoon on Monday night! Halloween! I can't wait. I will post a follow up after our IUI bright and early on Saturday morning.

CD9 and CD11 Ultrasounds (Follistim cycle 2)

I decided to group together my last two appointments into one blog post. Honestly I’m going to the doctor so much this cycle it's hard to keep up. I have had two more ultrasounds. One on Saturday the 22nd (CD9) and one yesterday Monday the 24th (CD11). Today is CD12.

My first ultrasound on Saturday came after a small rise in my dosage from 100IU to 116IU. At Saturday's appointment. My follicles hadn't gotten a whole lot bigger. Three follicles in the medium size range. Ranging from a 12mm-to 9mm and a handful of 6's and 7's. NOTHING to write home about. I took it as not a great appointment but not a total failure either. Dr. Chang has been pretty surprised about need to raise my dosage up time and time again. But she was not seeing the results or the magnitude of what she was hoping for. Although the way she delivered the news it was as if it wasn't a bad sign just very different from last cycle which was odd. She upped my meds to 143IU, one click below the 150 mark on my Follistim pen. 

My next ultrasound was yesterday. My friend Kristina came with me to my appointment. It is SO nice to have someone to share the car ride with. I had started to feel some cramping on both sides and I was hoping it was because my follicles were getting bigger and starting to crowd my ovaries. I remember last cycle, when I had six big follicles sometimes I felt like I couldn't even button my jeans. We went into the office and got my ultrasound. I have one dominant follicle on the right side at 15mm and two medium sized at 12mm each. She decided for last night's dosage to keep me at 143IU and for tonight’s to raise me to 167IU. She is hoping that the other two smaller follicles will catch up to the larger one, while keeping the doses mild so that the bigger one doesn't ovulate on its own. I go in early tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. She is thinking that Thursday I will trigger and Saturday morning we will do our IUI, tomorrow's ultrasound should confirm that. Our timeline is sneaking up for our Honeymoon. We leave next Monday in six days and I can't wait for this all to be behind us. She anticipates 2-3 follicles getting mature enough to ovulate.

I thought at first that I would be disappointed. We had such a great response last month. I guess Dr. Chang's attention and keeping a positive attitude have really helped me stay pretty level headed. I guess that the average woman only produces 2-3 follicles while stimming anyways. I'm doing a pretty good job about staying neutral this month and not getting excited or disappointed. It sort of takes the what if's out of my head that are usually driving me crazy by now. I will just be happy to have few eggs pop out and get our IUI done before vacation time. In the beginning of all of this, I thought we would need to skip a cycle due to our trip and it has ended up working out perfectly so far. I can only thank God for that.

I will update tomorrow with my post ultrasound results. I am putting a lot of miles on my tires! I am really glad we decided to trade in our SUV (with terrible gas mileage) for a Chevy Cruize. Those 35mpg are really helping right now.

CD 7-First Ultrasound (cycle 2 on Follistim)

Yesterday was CD7, which obviously makes today CD8. I had a late afternoon appointment which was REALLY nice. I got to stay through most of my shift at work. I only had to leave an hour early to make my 4 pm appointment.

Dr. Chang has been has been on vacation since last Friday. Luckily it wasn't necessary for me to be seen before she returned yesterday. I wasn't too thrilled of the idea of seeing a fill in doctor while she was out of the office. I actually look forward to seeing Dr. Chang. Don't get me wrong. I wish more than anything that I didn't have fertility problems, but she is the first doctor to actually make me feel like I’m not a freak of nature. Luckily she specializes in freaks just like me.

I had taken four shots of 100IU and I was ready to see how I was responding the second time around. I am trying to come at this month with a totally "Un-Tiffany" type attitude. I'm just going to relax and see what happens. Granted I’m only on CD8 today. But I'm going to try and get through this cycle without getting too riled up. I don't want to get nervous, or anxious, or excited. I just want to stay pretty plain about it. Just let the cards fall where they will. Last month I was sure at every appointment there would be bad news (there never was) and after the IUI I was totally convinced it worked and then totally disappointed knowing it didn't. When I didn't know a thing. Everyone knows stress on the body isn't good. Well that's a hard pill to swallow for me. I run on stress. I do my best work, stay organized, plan, clean, all running on stress. It's all I’ve ever known and I'm going to try something different this month. Notice I say Try. So far it's going well.

With the busy week with my Grandmother's funeral and family in town, I really didn't have time to even think about it. Then I woke up and it was time for the first appointment. I am going to try and keep that same approach as the days go on. I can't change what's going to happen. That's in God’s hands and boy it's hard to just live the life he has planned for me.

Dan is doing his supportive husband thing. Already getting good feelings about this month and cheering me on and making me laugh. I love that he can always stay positive and hope for the best even when it feels like that day might never come. I love my husband. He never lets this come between us. Even on the days when I think a little too long about the fact that if he had picked anyone other than me, he would have had children by now. Instead of the possibility he may never have his own biological child. He always finds a way to lift me up and make me feel hopeful and excited. I know without a doubt in my mind that without him, I would have given up a long time ago. He is my hero. He lets me melt down and be moody. Praises me for my efforts and is so supportive and I am so in love with him. Seeing how he is with me, drives me because I know he will be such a wonderful dad. Even typing that puts a smile on my face.

I went into Exam room 1 and got my ultrasound. It was rather uneventful. My lining was nice and thick and I quote Dr. Chang "that's good, your body is doing exactly what it should be." Then she looked at my ovaries. In comparison to last cycle the eggs (follicles) were a little on the small side, measuring mostly 8mm and 7mm. Last month I had 10,9, and 8's. Although it’s nothing to be concerned over. Everything was pretty measurable to our great cycle last month. My estrogen levels were a little raised but nothing to worry about there either. She raised my dosage to 116IU, same as last month and I have my next ultrasound/appointment on Saturday morning. I'm actually excited I don't have to go on a work day for once. It will be a nice little break. Since the follicles were on the smaller side, it's hard to say how many will grow and become dominant and which ones will stay small. On Saturday we should have a better idea of what we are working with. I am hoping for another 6 egg cycle. But I’m trying really hard not to dwell on it.

She anticipates our IUI to be late next week sometime. Thursday (CD14)- Saturday (CD16). I think judging how my body responded last cycle that it will be sooner than later. Then we will have a few days to do our "homework" with some timed intercourse just to cover our bases. Then we fly off to Florida for our Cruise to the Caribbean. I think it will be the most relaxing 2 week wait we could have. Then we will have our Beta blood test in Florida when we get off the boat on 12-13dpIUI. I will also bring some home pregnancy tests on board as well. Talk about the perfect setting for us to celebrate getting pregnant. :) Fingers crossed and lots of prayers being said.

Until next time....  a quote I think of often "I think that no child could be loved more, than one that was thought might never exist."

CD1- First ultrasound. The end of a really hard week.

Well here we are again. Yesterday was CD30 for me and also the last day my doctor was working until she went on a little mini vacation. I called her to let her know I hadn't started yet and was looking for some direction. She asked me to come in, even though I hadn't started my period yet. Just to check things out.

Us ladies with PCOS are notorious for developing large cysts after using fertility meds. If I had anything of the sort, we would need to cancel the upcoming cycle. Using fertility meds could cause a cyst to rupture and that can lead to the loss of an ovary. She needed to check under the hood and make sure I was a-ok before clearing me for another cycle of injects. I took the long drive up to Portland for my 1:30 appointment. Went in and got started with the ultrasound. Shocker... Exam room 1. I went in, did the usual undress and wait. She came in and said my lining was thick (normal for the end of cycle where AF hadn't started yet) and then moved to my ovaries. To my luck. Both ovaries clear! 12 small eggs (follicles) in each ovary. Just like last cycle.

We had a nice little talk about last cycle. She said she had really high hopes and was really disappointed and shocked that it didn't work out. She then told me she wanted to mirror my last cycle since I responded so well and hope for the same amount of Follicles with a BFP (big fat positive) home pregnancy test at the end of it. Honestly our talk made me feel a lot better. She helped me feel like I wasn't a lost cause, which after seventeen cycles of trying (and failing) is an inevitable feeling. Hope is like gold in the infertility world. She helped me get just a little bit of that back. She also told me that if injects/IUI is going to work. It will within the first four cycles. So that deadline stung and gave me a harsh reality. But, I like to be prepared and gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure after three more cycles of this, if I would have the strength to keep going anyways.

Dan and I talked about it and I'm sure many more discussions will come up in the next few months. In January our insurance changes and these cycles will start costing us a fortune. Our infertility coverage cuts in half and I don't think we can handle that financial burden right now. Our fourth cycle is up in January. So it's good timing. We don't have the money for IVF and frankly I don't want to risk scraping up all our extra pennies for a procedure that has no guarantee of working. Come January if we still aren't pregnant. We will be moving onto trying to adopt. I realize now that adoption can be equally as costly, but the guarantee is there. There are also: Grants, Tax credits, and financing available to help with the cost of adopting. I have a meeting with the CEO of my workplace next week, who just adopted. Hear her story of adoption and get some tools and information of where to start and what to expect.

Although deep in my heart, I pray every day and night for one of these last three cycles to work. I still have hope and so does Dr. Chang. I just like to have a back-up plan.

My period finally came late last night. Making today CD1. I start my injections tomorrow on CD2 at 100IU. I will have four nights of injections before my next ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon. Hoping for things to go as smoothly as they did last month. We are leaving on a "honeymoon" cruise on the 31st. So for right now the timing is working out perfectly. We will finish our IUI a few days before leaving and do my BETA blood test to see if it worked the day we get off the ship (13dpIUI). As we all know, If you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans. I gotta try though!

One last note to a rather long post:
I lost my Grandmother on Wednesday. So this has been a really hard and terrible week. Finding out we failed our first IUI on Monday and then her passing. The world lost a bright shining light that night. I know that God has better plans for her. I'm glad she is no longer hurting and watching down on us all smiling. I hope to live my life in a way she can be proud of and be the kind of caring person that she was. I love you Grandma. I'll miss you always.

12dpIUI Beta results (Yesterday)

I did pretty good this past weekend. Although I was left alone with a box full of home pregnancy tests. I knew it was probably too early to test and I just needed to wait for the all knowing BETA test. There really is no second guessing a BETA and it can detect levels down to only two weeks of pregnancy. It detects the HCG present in your blood. While now days home tests, have gotten pretty sensitive. There is always room for error or the thing every TTC woman tells herself,  "Oh, I bet it's just too early." To give ourselves a few more days of living in the clouds of possibility, before accepting the inevitable defeat.

Yesterday was my BETA test. I had my little support group waiting via text message for the news and Dan and I went to sleep full of prayers and hope. I work in a lab and I also work the early shift. My blood was drawn around 7am. I knew it would be about an hour to get the results back. Dan called me twice in the twenty minutes I had been waiting. Our stomach was in knots.

Then the lab set the slip of paper in front of me. My results were right there! I picked them up and scanned the page looking for my results. There it was... a big...fat... ZERO. Honestly my heart broke just then. Dan was still on the phone from one of his handful of phone calls and we just sat in silence before tears filled my eyes and I knew I had to escape to the employee bathroom. I choked out "I love you, I need to go to the bathroom." and hung up the phone. I sat in the bathroom my head in my lap soaking the lab paper with tears.

I cried for about ten minutes before pulling myself together and sending out the group text message "I'm not pregnant." I didn't want to talk about it. I was having a hard enough time keeping my composure without explaining over and over. I just shut my phone off and sat back down. I made it another fifteen minutes before I knew I wasn't going to make it at work all day. I called the boss and picked up my things and took off as fast as I could. Tears running down my cheeks as I made my way through the hallway.

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life. Although, I know that it wasn't. We only get four shots at our injection/IUI cycles before they want you to move on to more aggressive treatments (IVF). There's no way we can afford IVF and there isn't any guarantee it will work. So if these cycles don't work, we will have to move onto adoption. Which I have always been open to, but honestly it's not what I want. At least not right now. Three more tries to go.

A conversation with my doctor made me feel a little better. She was very sensitive to the situation. She was kind and caring and careful with her words. She honestly said that she was shocked it didn't work, we had such an impressive cycle and now we know that I respond to the meds well and we will just have to hope for next time. The good news is that we won't have to miss a cycle for our vacation either. She said we will have plenty of time for my injections and the IUI before we leave for our cruise on the 31st. I think that will be the easiest 2 week wait yet. We will be sailing around the Caribbean, sun soaking on the beaches and swimming in clear water.

So here I wait for my period to start. Hopefully by tomorrow. Then I will have my base ultrasound sometime in the first three days and we will get started from there. I also decided that next month on BETA results day that I'm going to take the day off of work and hope for a day of celebration instead of heartbreak.

I'm just reminding myself daily "Be hopeful."

5dpIUI (5 days post IUI)

I thought I would do a little mid-two week wait blog post. Although I don't have much to report. I started my progesterone supplements on Friday, so I’m on day 4 of those. I take two a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Most people on them absolutely hate them. The reason: the side effects are almost the same exact signs of early pregnancy. I have never really found that is true with me. Maybe I’m just oblivious, I don't really know. I have been having a few random cramps here and there but I would say they are most likely IUI related and not really signs of anything. 5dpIUI is really early for anything. Although, if I am pregnant it's still making its way down the fallopian tube and to my Uterus. It won't implant until 7-10 days after ovulation.

I have been asked more than a handful of times if I feel pregnant yet. I wish more than anything the answer was yes. I wish that I was confident that this cycle worked and all our efforts will pay off. But I am sort of just on middle ground. I want to be positive and stress free. I want to be okay no matter the answer. I want to be hopeful and plan with Daniel. But there is this deep rooted cynicism that is inside of me. I am just waiting for that negative result so I can hurry up and get the next cycle going. It's like I’m running on an infertility treadmill and there is no end. I will just keep running until I die.

I have taken a moment to think that we would find out the gender/s around Christmas time and what a fun gift that would be to give our families. I have thought about baby names and nursery themes, and in this last year and a half probably spent a little more time in the baby section at department stores than I should. So I am hopeful. My heart is open and I am ready to be a mom. I'm just scared shitless that if we continue to fail. That will be my life. Just hoping and wishing. Never actually getting to hold our baby in my arms.

One week from today I’m taking a Beta QUANT blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not. It will be while I'm at work and I am just hoping for news that will leave me beaming, instead of hiding out in the employee bathroom with tears filling my eyes. I'm not in a negative place. Honestly I’m at peace this cycle. A place I haven't been before. Because I know without a doubt we did every single thing right and everything we possibly could have done. The odds don't get better than this. So if the answer is no this month. I can live with that knowing that it just wasn't the right time. But I am still praying every day for that positive we have been waiting so long for.